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65. cheerios

65.

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JUNGKOOK'S POV
(translated)

It's early in the morning as I'm sitting in the Artist Catering room before joining my members on stage for a pre-show soundcheck. Today is our last concert in Texas for the Love Yourself Tour before we travel to other places, like Canada and New Jersey... and New York.

I'm eating a Nutella and banana sandwich, staring blankly ahead of me; a vlog camera is set down on the table. I usually use it to distract myself from my sad feelings. The small crumbs from my toast crinkle against the plastic plate when I move it around. I exhale.

I expected the tour to make things easier for the seven of us during such physically and emotionally demanding times; instead, tensions are high and continuously get worse. Some days are better than others— days in which the fate of our careers together isn't dangling over our heads. We all need to be on the same page in order for us to continue together.

How can I possibly be on the same page? How can I agree to spend seven more years signed when a happiness was taken away from me? I think I deserve to be happy after being so loyal for so long. My members feel the same way, and negotiating has become so stressful that no one wants to talk about it outside meetings. No one wants to make relationships worse— we need to stick together through the tour.

This pent up frustration is exhausting. The CEO of our company wants the best for us; he wants us to be happy and to desire continuing our music because we want to.

With there being 7 members, compromising a new lengthy contract is difficult. Everyone needs to be content with what the contract entails. Some of us expect different things, like work schedules being lessened, free time being wider, a change in album production, living arrangements and etc.

It's hard to say I want to continue my music when Jae has been stripped from me. She told me that being with me took away her voice— it took away everything she wanted to do. It's better for her to be without me. Until I can sincerely say otherwise, I don't see a possibility for us. I wouldn't expect that from her, anyway.

I'm hopeful for the finalization of this contract. I will continue to work hard for there to be us.

Even my continuous attempts to keep David involved in the negotiations with my company have fallen short. He doesn't believe me, and doesn't he answer me anymore. He said I was "cancelled". (취소 된 as Google Translate told me).

It's been a month since I've last talked to her, yet every day I find myself thinking about her more. Does she think about me? I know she is busy with the success of her UNICEF campaign, and when I open her contact to compose a message, her name is green instead of blue— she must not have very great service in Africa.

I miss her.

I wince at the thought and blink away emotions that I don't want to express right now. I don't notice I'm absentmindedly squishing down into my sandwich until there is Nutella and crunched toast stuck to my finger. The door opens and I'm interrupted from my worries, but it's only for a moment.

A staff member raises his eyebrows in surprise to see me still sitting here. "You have to go," he says.

"Okay," I reply lazily.