@LusciousLondonLissie, 12.01pm

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Currently sitting in the departures lounge at Heathrow with a chai latte and a poke bowl

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Currently sitting in the departures lounge at Heathrow with a chai latte and a poke bowl. I could not be more excited about seeing your beautiful little self in just 15 hours!

Such a shame about the layover in Detroit but at least I've got a hydrating face mask - if I'm going to attend High School parties with hot American jocks (which I WILL be, yes?), I need to look my best.

I've given my opinion on those awful girls, even if you claim they are your friends. So, here are my last thoughts before I get there and have to play nice. I can't imagine ever acting like such a little priss over a stupid cheer competition. I mean, get a grip. It's hardly world-stopping news. Not like the Gaza strip or child mortality rates in the Gambia. Second option, work harder so you actually are the best!

Now that you've stopped pining for the Whittingham pair, can I expect an accomplice? After liberating myself from the shackles of virginity in Corfu, I couldn't be happier. I believe even more strongly that it's a patriarchal construct invented to keep all women down, and hardly as 'special' as you claim it to be. If you want to get your freak on, do it! If you don't, don't. It's that simple.

I think it's only fair for you to know that I'm going through an awakening. Lydia says I shouldn't be so cavalier about my body (she was SUCH A DRIP at Henry Calbot's 18th), but I'm planning to make the most of my trip stateside, so I've made my to-do list predominantly focusing on the 'doing':

An athlete (American football preferably, letterman ideal)

A criminal (Leather jacket, bruised knuckle, James Dean vibes)

A brain (James Whittingham, here I come! As long as that is ok with you)

A basket case (Quirky, not psychotic)

A princess (You only live once, Mats!)

Eeek! Boarding open...time to pop a diazepam.

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