From Fat to Phat

|1| the beginning of the end

adjective
1. Fat
|(of a person or animal) having a large amount of excess flesh.|

I had always loved the flowers and the birds, loved the sunlight and the clouds that drift by. I had always loved the way the leaves move in a breeze and that soft whispering sound they made, like nature loved to chatter too.

Yet the emptiness that begun a while ago remained like a veil over my skin, grey and cold. And as I watched the petals and the twigs that sway outside from my bedroom window, there was only a creeping sorrow where there should've been joy. It sat like November rain on my skin, enough to chill what was once warm inside. In another life I wish I would have told my sisters how I felt, asked for help from my parents and if I had a friend I could've called, asked for the warmth I needed to ward the loneliness off, just a little would have been enough.

But it was too late.

As time went on I just let it, the pain come, drop by drop and I felt it like it is an ocean falling upon me instead of rain - that the sadness of years I had carefully suspended had all condensed right above my head into a cloud large enough to block the sun. They say it can't rain forever, that there will come a time when it must cease, that the last drop will have fallen. Thing is, I just didn't care anymore because the rain never ceased. For me it was a never ending loop just constant pouring. Until I realized it was too late for me all I wanted was to be one with the wind and disappear where no one could find me, to just stay here in the cold, comfortably numb.

Dying is a messy and often painful process, living as we do in world that is yet to embrace euthanasia. So, I wished my loved ones, would remember me as I lived. And remember that I loved them. I wished they would recall that I loved life, creation and the happiness that comes of simple pleasures. But I didn't, I hated every minute every no every second I spent on this earth. I didn't enjoy life nor did I love it's precious moments for most of my life I was a hallow figure that wondered when it was going to be time. When was I to be laid in a mahogany casket be sunk six feet under and just lay there, no pain, no exhaustion, never lonely or scared and most importantly the feeling of being empty would be nonexistent.

We all get recycled at some point. The soul moves on, the matter and the legacy remain. But I didn't live long enough to have legacy instead all I got where some crappy genes and an obsession with food which led to me being fat. I was tormented for how looked and it destroyed me and maybe they where right I didn't deserve to live, I was nothing special. So when I grabbed the bottle of pills it was my saving grace, beacon of hope, my way out of this miserable life. When they made their down my throat, it was painful yet oddly satisfying I felt at ease knowing I was going to a place where emptiness was just a word and not a feeling taking those pills meant I was going to die. What was scary was that I wasn't afraid of death what I feared was the chance of survival. I really thought I was going to die alone like some scorned dog on my bathroom floor with no-one but myself to blame. I was dying. I wanted to die for wherever I was to end up would be better than this hell. But it seemed life didn't want me go because I opened my eyes.

As I gained consciousness my head throbbed and it took seconds for my eyes to fully open and be aware of my surroundings.

"Mum, m-mum she is awake." It wasn't hard to miss that her voice was horse probably from hours of crying. Ocean my eldest sister has always been the most sensitive one in the family, well besides my mother.

The universe had to hate me because even my attempt to die wasn't a success.

"Really." Summer says and next thing I knew five bodies were all hurdled up around my recovering one.

My eyes quickly scanned the room gathering enough information for me to tell I was in a private hospital. The endless needles pricking my skin and constantly beeping of the machines. I could barely see the room because of Ocean's announcement all three of my sisters and my parents came to see or if the acclamation that I was alive was indeed true.