Sapphire's Review Store 💙

Review by Sunshine: Yours, Allie

Title: Yours, Allie

Author: piyaaru

Summary: 4.5/5

It was actually pretty hard to judge your summary. It was very simplistic – but I think the short and sweet nature of this summary perfectly suits the story itself. It explains all the context the reader needs to know, and it introduces the type of style the reader should expect. Along with this, it introduces the protagonist, and the general motive behind the writing. Well done!

Just a warning: I feel like you were sort of overusing ellipses. Especially the one during, "for the man she loves..." – I think the ending would have been much more powerful if you just ended it with a full-stop instead. The ellipses in this example don't really serve any purpose; they don't lead into anything, nor do they leave a question hanging in the air. I think a period would suffice. Also, when you do use ellipses, make sure you only use three dots (...), not four (....). 

Grammar: 3/5

I really loved this letter, but there were definitely some grammar and punctuation things that need to be worked on. This was, personally, the only fault I could see in your letter, so I'll break it down in detail here.

First of all, tense. I found that you changed tense throughout the letter, which is fine, since Allie addresses the past, present, and future. But there are some instances where the tense changed unnecessarily. For example:

"No matter how destructive the storms were, I will find a way..."

In this sentence, you changed tense. Let's break it down further:

"No matter how destructive the storms were..." [were = past tense]

"... I will find a way." [will = future tense]

In this sentence, it's inaccurate to change tense because the 'finding a way' refers directly to the storms they face. So, you have two options: either make it entirely past tense, or entirely future tense. These should be presented as:

"No matter how destructive the storms are, I will find a way."

Or, it can also be:

"No matter how destructive the storms were, I found a way."

Next, punctuation before dialogue. Whenever you have dialogue and you have a verbal tag leading into it, you need to ensure there is a comma before the dialogue. For example, you wrote:

... and I'd yell "I'm a bird!"

That above example is inaccurate. It should be:

... and I'd yell, "I'm a bird!"

Also, I found that your punctuation didn't always feel appropriate. Let's look at an example, shall we?

"We have fought many battles and withstood many thunderstorms, but the reason we never gave up, was because of our love for each other, that is a prayer too pure to kneel before worries like these."

Read that above example aloud. Can you hear how clunky it is? First of all, the comma after the word 'up' doesn't sound write, because the reason why should be led into directly. Secondly, the comma after the word 'other' feels far too weak. The clause starting with 'that is a prayer' feels like it should be a sentence of its own or, in the least, it should have a stronger punctuation separating it from the last clause. Personally, I would punctuate it like this:

"We have fought many battles and withstood many thunderstorms, but the reason we never gave up was because of our love for each other – that is a prayer too pure to kneel before worries like these."

And, once again, ellipses. I found that they weren't really necessary throughout your story, and could easily have been replaced by full-stops most of the time. There was no thought left hanging when they were used, and it just made the writing a little less impactful. Also, when you do use ellipses, there needs to be a space between the ellipses and the following word, and there should only be three dots (as mentioned earlier). For example:

"...even of me....but in those times..."

It should be:

"...even of me... but, in those times..." 

Character Building: 5/5

I suppose that the only character we really felt and got to know was Allie, as the letter was written by her. From what the reader could see, she's simply precious. She's sweet, wistful, positive – everything required for someone to feel sympathy towards her. I could feel love oozing out of each sentence, and though it's hard to say whether she had character flaws from this or not, the characterisation within this letter served its purpose and her voice was executed wonderfully.

We see glimpses of Noah through her memories and fantasies and, because of this, we see a rather biased view of him. However, that's perfect for this genre and particular letter, and no surprise, the reader is led to fall in love with him as well as his relationship with Allie. Well done! 

Writing Style: 5/5

I don't have much to say here. I thought the writing was simply perfect for the style that you were writing. I loved how beautiful, poetic and flowery the language was – it really helped lead into the wistful characterisation of Allie. I also liked how it was rather philosophical throughout the story, and I loved how you used figurative language and naturalistic imagery to emphasise this. Again, it reflected the hopefulness we see in Allie's voice, and it made the letter very rich and beautiful.

Plot + Uniqueness: 5/5

I think you've done a fantastic job here, because even readers who don't know The Notebook will be able to pick up everything they need to know to understand this story. Your introduction of the illness and the dilemma was fantastic and fluent, and the love between the two characters was transparent throughout the letter. If anything, I think this was a lovely tribute to The Notebook.

I also love the integration of past, present, and future throughout your story. Even though it was just a letter, I felt as if I was being led somewhere, and I felt as if the letter itself was a journey. I felt love seep out from the writing, and though there wasn't exactly a 'plot', I think that you've done a fabulous job at writing a succinct letter in the perspective of Allie. Well done!

You also asked me to discuss the cover, and I think it's great. It's simplistic and sweet, much like the story. I think the font is perfect, and I'm glad you included the title and the author's name, as well as the hashtag of the contest it was meant for. The envelope was also a nice touch. I think your cover is perfect for the genre and style of your story. 

OVERALL SCORE: 22.5/25

Overall, a fantastic tribute to Nicholas Sparks' story, The Notebook. I think you've done the characters justice, and with a bit of work on your grammar and punctuation, you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!