I See You [REWRITING]

chapter 30: every day

The next few months are gone in the blink of an eye. Our fall weather turning to winter days, well, winter for California and before I know it, it's spring and I'm awaiting the end of the school year but unlike other years, I don't want it to get here and I'm praying the days slow down. Begging the universe for more time, because despite my parents saying they'll try.

They haven't really.

They still fight, more so than usual because they are putting in an effort. My dad's been around more but it's different and I fear things are stuck in a rut they can't get out of. They're trying, but not as much as they could and the work they are putting in isn't making any difference and I'm left wondering if maybe this is it. Maybe there is no going back, but how can you possibly not want to fight like hell for the person you love more than anyone? We have one short life, so what's the point in wasting it arguing over nothing?

A part of me feels guilty, because my relationship with Felix is only getting stronger and it seems theirs is only getting weaker. Everything just feels bleaker than usual, this new normal becoming too comfortable for my liking. The only thing keeping me going is knowing Felix is there when I need him.

Most of our spare time is spent together, and since football season is over — that means we have even more time for each other. Whether it's spent with each other, our friends or my brothers. Felix spending more time at my house than his own. He's gotten close to all my brothers, finding something in common with each of them and it warms my heart to know that he fits so well into our family. Despite its state.

Aside from my parents lack of working out their problems, Greyson is growing frustrated. He's still living with us and suffering from writer's block, if it can even be called that. It seems more like he has a fear of failure, too scared to even try and put himself out there despite the encouragement from both our parents. And I don't blame him.

It's hard to make yourself vulnerable. To pain, to criticism, to a person and it doesn't get easier putting yourself out there. I know he's scared too, and I get it. I get his fear, but if I've learned anything these last few weeks it's that putting yourself out there can be worth the risk more times than not. Putting your heart on the line can pay off, and I know that when he finally finds the courage and confidence to put his writing out there – it will be worth the risk of failing.

Even knowing that, it doesn't stop my head from being in the clouds. It doesn't stop me from worrying about my parent's relationship, or my brothers, or my friends, or Felix. It doesn't stop my anxiety from running itself up the wall into dangerous levels of panic. It doesn't stop the overthinking.

"Whoa," a voice fills my ears as I run into them, my eyes focused on my phone instead of my where I'm going and I immediately rest my hands on their biceps to catch myself. "You okay, Nicks?"

I hum as I raise my head, shaking my thoughts out. "Oh, hi."

"Hi," Felix laughs, running his hands up the back of my arms before seeing the look on my face. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I shake my head and step into his embrace, resting my head against his shoulder. "I'm just in a weird head space. I'm sorry."

"Nicks, that is the last thing you need to apologize for," he runs his hand over the back of my light distressed denim jacket. "We all have our off days."

"I know," I sigh and squeeze him tighter. "I just feel like I have more than my fair share, and I know it's a lot to deal with."

He shakes his head, "You are not a lot to deal with. Not even in the slightest."

"I'm sorry," I lean back and cover my face with my hands. "I'm just having such a weird day. It feels like the day just isn't going to end and Greyson's being weird and my parents aren't working on their relationship the way they should and-."