White Daisies

Chapter 12

November 27th, 1940

"Ana?"

I whip my head to the side to see Jacob leaning against the doorway of my room. He has his hands shoved into his pockets, and his lips are pressed into a thin line. His eyes glide over me as if he's trying to search my body for physicals signs of what I'm feeling. I lay sprawled out on the covers of my bed, a cold cup of tea and an untouched plate of food sit on the nightstand beside me.

"Jacob? What are you doing here?"

I use my arms to push myself into a sitting position. He crosses the room to my bed and sits beside me. He reaches forward to tuck my hair behind my ears and caresses his hand across my cheek.

"I was worried because I haven't heard from you in a couple of days. So, I called your mom, and she said that something happened, but she didn't say what. She just told me to come over to see if I could get you to eat anything. Ana, what's going on?"

I feel tears pool in my eyes, and something hard weighs down on my chest. All of a sudden, I'm back on the sidewalk in front of the synagogue, and I see the rabbi being loaded on to an ambulance. A nice middle-aged woman comes up to Frances, Eva, and me to ask us where our parents are. She leads me over to the snowbank on the side of the road and places my hands in it. Two bloody handprints stain the white snow. The same snow we were enjoying that same morning.

"I killed a man," I force out. My heart clenches in my chest at the confession. 

Jacob's eyebrows furrow in confusion. "What?"

"I killed a man!" I wail.

He goes entirely still and stares at me for a few seconds, trying to make sense of what I just said. "What do you mean you killed a man?"

"I killed a rabbi at your synagogue! Frances, Eva, and I were riding our bicycles around the university Sunday morning when we saw a pair of Nazi Gestapo beating a rabbi in front of your synagogue. I tried to stop them, but they got angry and shot him!" My voice shakes.

Jacob's arms go around me, and he pulls me into his lap. He looks down before quietly saying, "I heard about Rabbi Beck yesterday morning. I had no idea you were there."

Rabbi Beck. That was his name. They rushed him to the hospital, but it was too late to save him. My mother said that they tried, but he had too many injuries from the beating, and he lost too much blood.

I break out into uncontrollable sobs. I feel Jacob's arms tighten around me, and he places a kiss on my forehead. His hand comes up to cup my cheek. He tilts my head up so he can look me in the eyes. Through the tears, I admire how blue they are today. They burn with intensity, and I almost shrink under the heat of his gaze.

"Ana, this isn't your fault." He leans his forehead against mine.

"Yes, it is!" I sniffle. "If I hadn't have said anything, maybe he would still be alive. Or I could've done more." Guilt flares through my gut, stabbing me like a knife. I could have done something else to save him, and it's been eating me alive.

Jacob shakes his head furiously. "No, Ana. Listen to me, this isn't your fault. If you had anymore more, you would be dead right now. You didn't have a choice."

I break away from him and try to stand up. "Yes, I did!"


His hands wrap around my shoulders and pull me back down into his lap. "No, you didn't. Ana, did you beat the rabbi?" His gaze sears into my face, and I have to look away.

"No," I mumble.

"Did you shoot the gun?"

My shoulders slump. I train my eyes on the blue-gray walls of my room. "No."