Sapphire's Review Store 💙

Review by Claire: Eye of Saffiyah

Title: Eye of Saffiyah 

Author: JadeFoliage

Reviewer: fantasy_panda2003

Summary: 5/5

I love the way you repetitively ask questions in your summary. It really leaves the reader thinking about the old man and what his motives are in the story and with the Eye of Saffiyah. You also provided just enough information to get the reader hooked without revealing too many details. Overall, an amazing summary!

Grammar: 3.75/5

There are a few punctuation errors that I found. I will point out one of them as an example:

I likewise tighten my grip on my staff.

If you choose to write this sentence in this manner, there needs to be a comma after I and likewise since likewise is a transitional phrase. The sentence will then read:

I, likewise, tighten my grip on my staff.

There are other various ways you can write this sentence that may enhance the readability of your book. You can choose to keep the sentence as the one above, but here are some other ideas as well:

- Remove the I so the sentence reads: Likewise, I tighten my grip on my staff.

- Remove the I and likewise so the sentence reads: I tighten my grip on my staff.

Another thing I noticed were some missing words. Your sentence read I open my eyes to the sight an enormous serpent when I believe it was supposed to read I open my eyes to the sight of an enormous serpent. I'm sure it was just a typing error that happened. I know how that can be because it happens to me all the time, but I still thought I would point it out in case you wanted to make that correction. There were also a few grammatical errors such as your use of "a" and "an" in a couple sentences.

With that, your book has very few errors and your dialogue is formatted perfectly. I would just recommend going back and checking for any other punctuation and grammatical errors and correcting them.

Character Building: 3/5

The scene in the first chapter between the old man and Saffiyah was very suspenseful and interesting to read, but I would have liked to have seen more background on the old man and the events before the battle. What were the moments leading up to his battle with Saffiyah like for him? What were his thoughts? His feelings? Also, what were Saffiyah's motives? What made her who she is? Is there a gentler side to her? Maybe you could even have chapters dedicated to the old man's point of view and Saffiyah's point of view. I also feel like your story has quite a bit of monologue, which may be a creative way of writing your story, but may bore the reader after a while. Also, I noticed you "said" some of your character's feelings. Don't just glance over your character feelings and talk about them "show" them to the reader. Showing rather than telling makes your story more interesting to read as the reader learns about your character's feelings throughout the story.

Writing Style: 4/5

You have amazing word choice that fits into your story very well and makes it more interesting to read. However, I feel like your chapters could have been a little bit shorter. In my opinion, making your chapters shorter would have created more suspense in your story because I also felt your story needed a little more suspense as well I feel your story also could have included more detail about the old man's past and how it affects his present life. It felt like you crammed a lot of detail into a small amount of chapters. Some of the details were difficult to figure out and I just feel like it could have been spread out more and had more details. Overall your story is very well written, it just needs some touching up.

Plot + Uniqueness: 4.5/5

I felt like your story had a sort of Lord of the Rings type plot. Even so, I still felt like it had a unique twist to it. The part where Sohel and Najm make amends was a touching moment, and the ending of your story was very powerful and inspiring.

OVERALL SCORE: 20.25/25

You are an amazing writer and I hope you continue to write more stories on Wattpad. I hope this review wasn't too harsh and I hope it gives you some positive feedback that will make your story even better.