I Was Amity...

27

I have attended Amity's initiation ceremony every year except this one. It's a pretty laid back event. In the thirty days leading up to initiation the new initiates try their hands at all the jobs Amity has to offer. We all get together initiates and members, it's almost like a party. Someone, usually the current representative, so my mom this year, reads the Amity manifesto. The manifesto is a short paragraph about trust, self- sufficiency, forgiveness, and kindness. We all eat the fruit that the new initiates have picked. We gather round and sing and drink and just be happy.

The Dauntless are obviously completely different. Initiation day plunges the Dauntless compound into insanity and chaos, and I love every minute of it. There are people everywhere, and most of them are inebriated by noon. If I were not taking my final test today I would be one of them.

I push my way through them to get a plate of food at lunch and carry it back to the dormitory with me. On the way I see someone fall off the path on the Pit wall and, judging by his screams and the way he grabs at his leg, he broke something.

The dormitory, at least, is quiet. I need to clear my head before I take the final test to decide my fate in Dauntless. I stare at my plate of food. I just grabbed what looked good to me at the time, and now that I take a closer look, I realize that I chose mostly fruit and a few vegetables, with a piece of bread, Amity food. I laugh. Sometimes when I'm not thinking I revert back to my Amity ways. But I know that deep down I'm not truly Amity. Everything that I do that could be considered Amity or even Amity adjacent I do because that's how I was raised for sixteen years. It's gonna take some time to break myself of the habits. Dauntless is what I am.

Today I have to focus on what awaits me. In two hours I will walk to the fear landscape room with the other initiates, go through my fear landscape, and become Dauntless. It's too late to turn back. When I finish, I bury my face in my pillow. I don't mean to fall asleep, but after a while, I do.

I wake up to Olivia shaking my shoulder. "Time to go," Olivia says.

I rub my eyes to press the sleep from them. She looks terrified. Her eyes are red as if she has been crying, and she probably has. I think it's finally starting to hit her that she may be factionless after today. I stand up and pull her into a bone crushing hug. The other initiates are in the dormitory, tying shoelaces and buttoning jackets and throwing smiles around like they don't mean it. I pull my hair into a braid and put on my black jacket, zipping it up to my throat.

The torture will be over soon, but can we forget the simulations? Will we ever sleep soundly again, with the memories of our fears in our heads? Or will we finally forget our fears today, like we're supposed to?

We walk to the Pit and up the path that leads to the glass building. I look up at the glass ceiling. I can't see daylight because the soles of shoes cover every inch of glass above us. For a second I think I hear the glass creak, but it is my imagination. I walk up the stairs with Olivia. I'm too short to see above anyone's head, so I stare at Calum's back and walk in his wake.

A break in the crowd reveals what they are all clustered around: a series of screens on the wall to my left. I hear a cheer and stop to look at the screens. The screen on the left shows a black-clothed girl in the fear landscape room, Marlene. I watch her move, her eyes wide, but I can't tell what obstacle she's facing. Thank God no one out here will see my fears either, just my reactions to them, especially because one of my fears is public humiliation. The middle screen shows her heart rate. It picks up for a second and then decreases. When it reaches a normal rate, the screen flashes green and the Dauntless cheer. The screen on the right shows her time. I tear my eyes from the screen and jog to catch up to Olivia, Liam, and Calum.

Four stands just inside a door on the left side of the room that I barely noticed the last time I was here. I knew I would have to see him today, but I'm not quite ready for it. I'm still mad at him for what he said to me. I walk past him without looking at him. The room is large and contains another screen, similar to the one outside. A line of people sit in chairs in front of it. Eric is one of them, and so is Max. The others are also older. Judging by the wires connected to their heads, and their blank eyes, they are observing the simulation. Behind them is another line of chairs, all occupied now. I'm the last to enter, so I'm forced to stand.