Review by Sunshine: Still

86 11 22
                                    

Title: Still

Author: SkyRiderTDL


Summary: [no score – not included in final score]

So, I ultimately decided not to judge the summary because it doesn't follow a traditional summary. But I will say that I love the direct reference to the title, and while the overall summary itself is succinct, it's a great way to capture the reader's attention because it is very clear. Just make sure you have a full-stop at the end! 


Grammar: 2/5

Okay, okay, okay, so most of my feedback is going to be in here. Why? Because it's the part of your story that needs the most work. It's the part that, if not improved on, will probably be what turns readers away from your story.

So, I will say this: your story is definitely readable, so good work there. But you're also missing the fundamentals when it comes to English grammar. You're missing full-stops, you're missing punctuation marks, you're incorrectly spelling some words, and your sentences tend to lack a basic structure. But, that's alright – I'm here to break it down for you!

So, whenever you have dialogue, the dialogue tag should be with the dialogue in the same paragraph. Along with this, if the dialogue tag is verbal and coming first, there should be a comma leading into the dialogue. For example, let's look at what you've written:

She closed her eyes and said.

"Alexa play Hymn for the weekend."

Okay, so first of all, this should all be in one line. And, as mentioned above, there should be a comma instead of a full-stop after the word 'said'. Next, you are missing commas in the dialogue itself. This above example should be:

She closed her eyes and said, "Alexa, play Hymn for the Weekend."

Now, another issue I found: punctuation and dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I wanna stay like this forever" Emma whispered.

You NEED some sort of punctuation before the closing inverted commas. So, it should be:

"I wanna stay like this forever," Emma whispered.

Another example:

"Coma on, last words of a dead man," Markus rolled his eyes.

Since 'Markus rolled his eyes' is not a verbal tag, it should be:

"Come on, last words of a dead man." Markus rolled his eyes.

Alternately, it can also be:

"Come on, last words of a dead man," Markus said, rolling his eyes.

There were also spelling errors, such as spelling 'strict' as 'stricked'. Overall, I recommend you go over the chapters and polish them so that they are less messy.

I will say, though, that your grammar improved drastically in the later chapters. Well done!


Character Building: 2/5

Okay, so, we'll start with the positives, shall we? I found the group chat moments quite fascinating – it's quite intriguing to see stories engage with modern concept, as it adds a slight sense of realism. The banter between characters was particularly aimed to be humorous at times, which is a nice touch – it's great to contrast the demons, horror and intensity with some humour.

However, when it came to actually getting to know the characters, I felt like your story was missing the drive. First of all, you introduce a lot of characters all at once – this is fine, I love a big cast. However, when you introduce them, you can't just info-dump their personality traits and physical features in one go. You can't just tell us that Tom was best friends with him – you have to show it to us. You shouldn't need to tell us they are best friends, because we should be able to work it out simply by seeing their friendship flourish through the pages.

Similarly, when it comes to physical features, do we even need to know that if they are only talking through technological devices? Would it be far more impactful to weave in the description of their hair colour and eye colour when we meet them in person? And don't just tell us that a character is 'beautiful' – show it to us. What about Emma is beautiful? Does her hair fall like golden strands of silk? Also, I'm not convinced with the ages – I found that the characters didn't act nearly as old as they were.

And the entire story lacked a proper narrator – there was no one the reader could anchor themselves onto. There was no internal monologue, no thoughts and feeling, no description. Without this, the components to the story that are supposedly 'scary' felt more like a casual presence. The oddness and fantastical elements within your story felt unauthentic, because the characters were treating it like it wasn't something to be worried about.

And while the dialogue through technological methods was engaging, I want you to think about whether it was impactful. Would readers engage with your characters more of they were there, with one another? Are you truly allowing your characters to flourish if they are hardly actually there


Writing Style: 2/5

Similar to the characterisation, I found that your writing itself fell into the trap of telling more than showing. Let's look at the following example:

"Jenny was Shawn's girlfriend, she was twenty-seven, had brown hair, brown eyes, and an astonishing smile."

Can you see it how it is all telling? You just hammered the reader with facts about Jenny. We should be able to work it out for ourselves through the social cues your characters engage in, or at least through Emma's omniscient narration.

Next, your story lacks description, mood and tension. This story had so many beautiful moments to milk out the tension, the drama – with demons, fantastic elements, and sly dialogue. However, there wasn't enough description to help develop this. What should we be seeing, if we were to be there? What would we be feeling? How should we feel when topics of death and killing are brought up? Themes like this should not just be cast aside. They're huge. They should help make the reader sit at the edge of their seat and grip onto every word.

What you should try working on is making your writing more immersive. Really take the reader there with the setting. We should be able to visualise the chapters for ourselves. And when a demon pops up, we should be clutching onto our hearts, hoping that your characters will be alright. You had some nice moment of fast-paced action, so keep that up! The moment with Markus and the demon was somewhat epic. 


Plot + Uniqueness: 3/5

First of all, I LOVE the concept! The notion of having adult characters experience the supernatural games they play was just so exciting – and the whole concept of keeping 'still' was a great way to hook readers! It was a really captivating concept, so props to you for coming up with something clever that branches slightly away from the cliché!

I found that the concept was just not executed as well as it needed to be. You needed to slow down the pace and let the readers properly engage with the characters and ideas – otherwise, the story lacks realism. We should be seeing consistency in the characterisation, and we should be feeling our own stomachs churn whenever something goes slightly askew. Right now, too much is going on, and you're not giving readers time to drink it all in.

Also, is there a particular reason why your entire first chapter is repeated twice? I was confused by that. Maybe Wattpad was just glitching on my screen, but I suggest you double-check that. 


OVERALL SCORE: 9/20

Overall, a promising concept! Just work on your grammar and characterisation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!


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