Anxiety • part 2

40 • strawberry

"Sam? Sam, babe, where are you?" Ashton asked rushed when he walked through the front door. I tried speaking up but I couldn't. I just stayed frozen in my spot and waited until he would find me. "Shit Sam, is everything okay?" He asked when he saw me sitting on the couch. I was just sitting there, looking down at my hands like I have been doing for the past hour. "If it's back and it's bad, we will just get a second opinion first. We will fight whatever this is hard and we will win."

"I already got a second opinion." I finally said and I looked up at him, my eyes still red from crying but I ran out if tears after half an hour. "Just sit down for a second will you."

"Sammie" he said softly when our eyes met, he sat down beside me and put his arms around my waist. He softly tugged at me and I gave in immediately, moving closer to lean against him. "Just tell me what happened?"

"I never even got the scans." I said softly as I tried remembering every word they said to me this morning. I tried remembering it all but half of it was a vague memory. I should have called him before they started talking.

"Then what happened, please tell me Sam?"

"Ashton, when I tell you, you can not interrupt me and you will let me finish what I have to say before saying anything?" I said and he looked at me, worried and confused.

"Ofcourse Sam" he said and I sat up straight again, looking down at my hands and taking in a deep breath.

"I didn't get the scans because first they always check  your blood levels, it's just a routine test and I had to have it done every time before in London too. But my HcG levels were way too high to be normal." I said and he looked confused, having no clue what HcG means. That remembered me that I couldn't give him the same speach that the doctors gave me. Because they knew I understood every hard word but Ashton wouldn't. "HcG is human chorionic gonadotropin. Which is a pregnancy hormone. They thought the test was a false positive so they ran a second one but they just got the same results. They read back all my files before they came to me to talk. I'm 9-10 weeks pregnant Ashton, so the vomiting the past week and the fatigue and over emotional state, it's all because I got a human the size of a strawberry inside of me. And I was so excited, just like you are right now but then they told me all the risks and that I have to keep in mind I might have a miscarriage soon. The odds are not in favour of this strawberry and it's a miracle that I'm pregnant and made it to 9 weeks." I said and another tear still found its way out when I remembered what I had to say next, what they told me next. "The chance of getting through the first semester is 2%. I knew it was going to be below 50 but 2% is almost nothing. And the chance of the baby having some sort of mental or physical ilness is big. They couldn't put a number on it but due to all the chemo and radiation I have received, the chance is big that the eggs it didn't kill, will produce a baby that isn't healthy. The chances of getting through the second semester are better but I will never be out of the woods." I said and more tears started to roll down again. "They're advising me to get an abortion. They're advising me to save me from all the pain it will for sure bring me when I have a miscarriage." I said before looking at him and he had tears in the corner of his eyes too. "But I saw its little heartbeat and I can't do this Ash. I can't do either of the options. I can't get an abortion, I would never be able to do that, but a misscarriage would break me Ash. And then there's still the fact that my mother died giving birth. Every scenario I try to picture ends in a dead baby or me dying." I said now full on crying again and he pulled me to his chest again, he rubbed my back softly and I could tell he was trying not to cry too.

It would have been better if I never knew about the little strawberry growing inside of me.

"So who was your second opinion?" He said and his voice sounded so broken. I know he wanted to be happy and so did I but we couldn't. We couldn't be happy because in less than a month it will probably already be over. We can't be happy when I have a 98% chance to have a miscarriage.