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Review by Lone Wolf: Unripe Souls

Title: Unripe Souls

Author: bitch_undercover

Reviewer: GryffindorsLoneWolf

Before we begin this review, a quick note from ray_of_sunshine9 (again)! Your reviewer wanted me to let you know that they're sorry for the delay - they got quite busy with things, and fell behind in reviewing. They just asked me to relay that message to you.

Now, onto the review: 

Summary: 4/5

Love it!! It's vague enough to make the reader interested. My only problem was that it felt a little repetitive, and felt a little wordy. Keeping it sweet and simple helps too.

Grammar: 2/5

The first sentence of the first chapter isn't written well, and it doesn't give a good impression of how the future chapters will be. I think it's missing Niharika's name or something. There were grammar errors, but I think they were misplaced words or commas not being where they're supposed to be. Your writing style indicates that English isn't your first language (I'm assuming, please don't take offense or anything). It's just the way the words are placed make it seem off. Not that it's written bad or anything, it's written pretty well. Some words were also spelled wrong as well as verbs not matching tenses; if you're using and having multiple verbs they have to match up! As I've said to other people, use the editors on this site! They love helping people clean up their stories and are very thorough. 

Character Building: 3/5

This felt a little rushed, and it didn't help that the chapters are short. It feels super rushed, like he shows up out of nowhere when she's having an argument. I think their meeting could've been less rushed, if you're trying to make it realistic. But their mannerisms come out more through dialogues and descriptions. You've done well with the stereotyping; people may think that the whole uncle thing is a joke, but many men in India are like that, and I think you've captured it well. I really like the MCs!! But with the way the chapters are jumping back and forth, it's a little confusing, especially because the scenes don't match up from where they left off. But the one thing that was lacking with the MCs were their looks: I couldn't see how they looked after reading five or more chapters. Put in little descriptions about them; they don't have to be long ones, just hints at what their smile looks like or the way their [color] eyes light up. Things like that that are subtle.

Writing Style: 2/5

The story felt very rushed and I think it's because of the way the chapters are structured. There wasn't a ton of variation in the sentences structure, although some of the dialogues and descriptions are well written. Because I'm going off the assumption that English isn't your primary language, I do think you should use an editor to go through your paragraphs. The sentence structuring was off; even though I could understand what was going on, the way things were worded felt off to me. Also, some of the details were unnecessary, like in chapter twelve, I think in the beginning, you introduce Nihar as 'young Niharika'. We know that she's young, it's obvious from the other people around her and the dating in the header area. The other thing I had a problem with was the shifting of POVs. Usually authors will set this off with a page breaker or something like this ~~~ or ---- between the POVs. You switched them mid sentence, from Ani to Vinnie or from Vinnie to Nihar, it was confusing trying to figure out who was speaking when. Try to be careful and go over it when editing or writing future chapters. The other thing that felt off to me was the amount of cursing that the middle schoolers did...do they really curse like that? I honestly don't think many of them would use words like 'bitch' or 'fuck'. Normally it'd be something like, idiot, ass or moron...baby curse words like that.

Plot + Uniqueness: 3/5

The way that this is written is pretty unique, going from one age to another, switching between their middle school years to them as adults. But it is cliché (two kids who had something happen between them and are now reconnecting as adults). If you're going for the switch in years type thing, try to make the corresponding chapters follow each other properly. Don't just switch scenes without an explanation, don't switch POVs with a warning or a breaker. It'll confuse readers. I think it's cute, you've set them up against each other in a hilarious, cliché way. 

OVERALL SCORE: 14/25