The Tales of a Future Hockey Wife

Chapter 64: New York VS. Germany

~Eleanor~

"New York?" I say, my voice suddenly a lot less confident than it was only a minute ago.

"The publishing agency is in New York, I live there, and my apartment is big enough for you to move in with me if that's what you want, of course."

"I can't move to New York. Ben is in Germany for another six months." I refused to move to Germany, what would Ben say if I were to announce him that I'm taking our daughter to New York? Plus, we would need a passport for her, and I don't have the money for that. It wasn't in the plans.

"I don't see why that changes anything but talk about it with him. And don't worry about the expenses, the publishing house will cover them. I'm in town until Wednesday, give me a call," he says getting up. I get up too, not knowing if I should shake his hand or give him a hug. He decides for the both of us when he extends his hand. "I hope you'll say yes Eleanor. I've wanted to work with you ever since we argued over Gatsby and Mark Twain." His hold on my hand doesn't loosen and his eyes don't leave mine until Ophelia's babbles make me look away.

"I'll call you as soon as I've talked with Ben." He nods before walking away.

The walk home seems shorter than earlier maybe because my mind is too busy trying to find the right words to explain the situation to Ben to focus on the cold wind hitting my skin. I also make a list of the reasons why moving to New York isn't a good idea. At the top of the list, there's Ophelia. I would need a passport, a visa, a letter from Ben saying he agrees to let me take her out of the country, and I would need to move all of our stuff to a new country. Then there's the whole New York thing. I didn't want to move to Germany, how am I supposed to make Ben understand how this is different? And there's Matthew. I'd have to see him on a daily basis, maybe even live with him, and I don't know how I feel about that. I also don't know how Ben will react to that part. Would I agree to let him live with another woman he once went on a date with? Absolutely not, which is why I can't be angry if he refuses. On the other side, there's the fact that someone wants to pay me to write. Someone wants to publish something I'll write. How can I say no to that? It makes my heart fill up with so much joy that I feel like it could explode, and flowers and confetti would come out. Becoming a writer has always been my dream, and, now that it has a chance to come true, I don't know if I'll be able to give it up.

It's with mixed feelings that I dial Ben's number. We were supposed to talk later tonight, but I don't know if I can wait that long. I take advantage of the fact that Ophelia fell asleep on the way home to lock myself in my bedroom. The face looking at me on the screen doesn't look like me. Who is this girl willing to sacrifice her relationship to go write a book? He answers on the fourth ring, delivering me from my own reflection.

"Hey, I thought we weren't supposed to talk until ten pm. It's only six, is everything ok?" I nod, but he doesn't buy it. "What's wrong El?" he asks again, a concerned look now covering his beautiful features. I take a moment to admire him before his face turns angry. I imagine him taking my hand to rub my palm with his thumb.

"I wish you were here. It would make this conversation easier," I say avoiding looking in his eyes. "I saw Matthew today. You know the guy who taught at uni last year?" He nods, his brows furrowing even more. "He saw my blog and he showed it to his publisher who wants us to write a book together." I say the last part as fast as possible, the words tumbling out of my mouth in a cascade of uncoherent syllables.

"Us as in us or as in you and him?" He waved his hand between us as he spoke. I answer him and the smile on his face disappears. "You're going to write a book with the guy you went on a date with?" His voice is a mix of anger and something I could describe as fear.

"I haven't said yes yet because I wanted to talk to you first." I keep my voice calm. If he was here, I would run my fingers through his hair to reassure him, but since he's not, the only thing I can do is say: "If you're not comfortable with me going, then I'll stay here and I'll keep writing the blog."

"Going? Where do you plan on going?" he asks, his voice growing more frenetic. Shit, I forgot to mention New York.

"I'd have to move to New York." He leans back in his chair as his shoulders drop. He stays quiet and I give him a minute to adjust to the news before asking him to talk to me. My heart is beating so fast, I'm afraid he can see it moving through the screen.

"Where would you live?" is all he says. He hasn't looked at me since I said the words "New York." I tell him everything I know so far including Matthew's offer to live with him. "He says his apartment is big enough for Ophelia and me. Say something Ben, please." I can see him think before he opens his mouth.

"You can't say no, El. It will kill me to imagine the two of you living with another man, but it would kill me more to imagine you alone in our apartment if you could be writing a book with an established author. You would hate me for keeping you from making your dream come true and I don't want that." Tears are flowing down my cheeks when he stops talking. "I got a plane ticket for Windsor to visit you for Christmas, but I'll change it for New York, I guess. Don't cry, El, it's a great day for you," he adds a soft smile on his face that is half filled with love and half with sadness. I didn't know about the ticket. He had told me he wouldn't get more than a few days off for Christmas, but I guess he lied to make his visit a surprise. It wasn't true when I said I only got special and grand gestures once a year. I just wasn't paying close enough attention.

"I love you, Ben. I hope you know that," I announce my voice cracking at the end.

"I know, and I love you too Eleanor Martin."