Oliver Ausman Lives Again

thirteen

"Okay." I let out a breath, but it doesn't do much to stop the churning of my stomach. "Problem solved."

"Problem solved?" Kat questions, the hint of a laugh in her voice. 

"Unless Peter comes down here, then yeah. For now, problem solved." I'm not sure I even believe the words I'm saying, but it's a slight comfort to pretend that everything is fine. "I mean, I talked to them, which in my opinion is more than they deserved."

My phone rings again, proving that the problem is definitely not solved. I ignore it, and despite the incessant ringing, there's a silence that coats the air between the three of us. I don't know what Kat is thinking, but I can't help feeling judged, like everyone expects me to do the right thing-- whatever that is. 

I think about the panic in Mom's voice when Charlie picked up the phone. Ever since my attempt, Mom's done her best to make sure I haven't been alone with him. She probably thinks I'll tell him all about what I did and mess up his brain so it's just like mine. I guess I can't blame her, but at the same time, she has to know I would never do anything to hurt Charlie, right? 

Not intentionally, anyway. Was it wrong for me to bring him along? He is just a kid.

As we pull up to the next red light, I turn to look at him.

"Charlie, I want you to be honest, okay?" I prompt. He raises his eyebrows, gaze flicking to Kat for half a second. I can feel her stare on me, but I keep my eyes locked with Charlie's, some mild attempt at intimidating him into telling the truth. "Do you want me to bring you back home?"

He looks at me like he's disappointed I would even ask, pouting and narrowing his eyes. "No."

"In that case," I turn back around in my seat, reaching over to send the call to voicemail and put my phone on silent, "as far as I'm concerned, there is no problem. For them, sure. For us? I'm fine, you're fine-- everything's fine."

Maybe if I keep repeating it, it'll stop me from worrying so much. Still, if something ever happened to Charlie I wouldn't even know what to do with myself. If something happens to him while I'm in charge of his well being? I can't even think about it. From now on, my eyes are on Charlie twenty-four-seven, end of. 

"I'm guessing they'll try to call you in a minute," I continue, knowing Charlie is their main concern right now. "You can pick up if you want, but I won't talk to them." 

There isn't anything I have left to say. I'm still embarrassed I went on such a rant in front of Kat and Charlie, but I also feel relieved-- for once, I stuck up for myself and said exactly what was on my mind. If Mom and Peter can't handle it, too bad, and if they don't realize that it's their fault I left in the first place, I can't help them.

My prediction is right: Mom calls Charlie a few seconds after the sentence leaves my mouth. He decides to reply with a text-- I get the feeling that he knows as well as I do that picking up wouldn't do me any good, so I appreciate that he doesn't. She would just keep ordering us to come home and try to get me on the line so she could yell at me. Hell, she'd probably make us stay on the phone for the rest of the trip so she'd know Charlie was alright.

He's occupied with his conversation in the back seat, thumbs typing away on the touch screen, and I'm busy trying to be okay with the fact that all of this happened in front of Kat. It feels like the scale is tipped, and she knows a lot more about me than I know about her. 

There's a lot I want to know. I want to know why she up and left Maryland like that, I want to know why her father is in prison and how she can be so okay with a family that seems almost as screwed up as mine. I want to know why she got fired and why she hasn't told her brother that she's coming. And on top of that, I want to know basically anything else she'd be willing to tell me, no matter if it's life-changing or totally unimportant. If it has to do with Kat, for some reason-- reasons I can't even begin to describe-- I just want to know.

The more I think about it, the more I realize: there's nothing I've experienced that's as humbling as realizing how fast I can get attached to the right person. 

»»——⍟——««

We end up having to find a parking garage, thanks to me not doing enough research to know that the hotel parking is reserved for guests only. Thankfully there's one nearby, which I'm willing to pay for due to the fact that I don't really have a choice. 

I pull into a space on the second level and park the car, which I'm irrationally nervous to leave. Not only because I'm worried about it, but because I'm worried about me. The closer I get to finding Isaac, the more paranoid I'm getting that this whole thing really is crazy.

I just have to keep telling myself that I'm doing the right thing. And that even if it wasn't the right thing, I want it to happen. If I turned around and went home now, I'd wonder about what could've happened for the rest of my life. Even if Mom and Peter take me to meet Isaac, I'd always imagine how it could've been different if I'd done it myself, and I'd always wonder why I didn't go through with it. This whole thing was my choice and I made it for a reason, I just have to remember that.

I don't have much time to repeat my mantra since Kat and Charlie both get out of the car as soon as the engine stops. They're probably eager to stretch their legs for the first time since the gas station-- I've been too distracted to realize how stiff mine are feeling. I follow them out and the sound of my door closing echoes off the concrete ceiling. The smell of stale gasoline and exhaust hit my nose, mixed with the crisp morning air that wafts in through the open walls of the garage. 

Kat and Charlie come around to my side, wearing matching smiles of excitement and looking at me to lead the way.