Thirty Four

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Sometimes you don't realize what you had until it's gone. My brother had been by my side my entire life and suddenly he wasn't. Despite the fact that I wouldn't normally have seen him yet today, it didn't make me feel any better when I had no text from him in the morning. In all honesty, Jake had a right to be mad. He had made it clear to both Smith and I that he wasn't comfortable with me being involved with his friends, but I ignored him and did it anyway. But at the same time time I felt bad. He had been heart broken when he showed up, looking to take his anger out on something, and I gave him the perfect opportunity he didn't know he needed.

Jake was just trying to protect me. He didn't want to give anyone around me the benefit of the doubt because last time it had scarred me. While I understood that, I thought he was over reacting. But who was I to judge another person's fears? I had enough irrational behaviors of my own to last a lifetime.

Smith had tried to comfort me last night and attempted to watch a movie to get my mind off of it, but I couldn't focus. I didn't want to talk to him even if I assured him I wasn't upset with him. I just needed time to think. He was thinking about saying something when I rolled a joint but he wisely said nothing. At this point I didn't care if I was risking the rest of my NCAA season; I'd make my private worlds tournaments either way. I just needed something to relax me.

So I stood on Smith's balcony and smoked, silent tears running down my face as my body calmed itself. I knew the setter was watching me the whole time, observing from the couch inside. I didn't let it bother me; he was just worried after all. Smith understood me better than anyone and I was grateful, because he knew exactly when to push and when to leave me alone.  And when I came inside, he simply wrapped a blanket around my shoulders as I got a glass of water before scooping me up and taking me to bed.

I didn't deserve his kindness and care.

But if there was one thing Smith Kyoh didn't do, was offer to break up with me to Smith things over between my brother and I. Some people might want that, but Jake was the one in the wrong and I wouldn't give up the man I loved to right his wrongs. Smith was my end all, be all and I would fight for our relationship until the very end.

I had been in a sour mood all morning and it had shown at practice. My form was messy at best and I had almost lost to Siya. I don't want to sound condescending but the reality of it was that that rarely if ever happened. My sporadic and dazed mind was too busy thinking about my brother and Jessica to focus. I don't care if she was one of my best friends; she had lied to me and cheated on my brother for five months. That's almost one fifth of their relationship. She was dead to me, no matter what Jake thought of me.

My muscles were rigid with tension as I walked down the sidewalk in the January California sun, a cool sixty degrees outside. My sneakers thumped against the concrete sidewalks on campus with more weight than normal, my eyes fixated on the ground as I walked. My fists were clenched around the red strapped of a Stanford Under Armor volleyball bag, Smith's last name printed on it. I had stollen it from him weeks ago when I forgot mine, but he'd only asked for the red Mizunos in the bottom.

I suppose shoes were kind of important.

"Why aren't we meeting Troy at practice today?" Siya asked cluelessly as we passed the stadium not he way to our lecture while brushing her dark hair behind her ear.

"Jake, Smit and I are not on the best of terms right now," I muttered under my breath, hoping she would drop the sensitive subject. I don't know what I was thinking, because my best friend was never one to mind her own business or leave questions unanswered.

"What happened?" She asked, genuinely concerned.

"He practically walked in on my boyfriend and I having sex," I told her under my breath in a tired tone. "He had just found out Jessica had been cheating on him and he flipped out on us."

"Boyfriend?" She asked almost incredulously, like she couldn't believe it. "And what does Smith have to do with it?" There was almost an undertone if worry in her voice, like she was thinking something she desperately wanted to be false.

I looked up from the ground and stared at Siya to watch for her reaction as I spoke. "Smith is my boyfriend. It didn't help that Jake found out we had been hooking up for almost a year. I don't see how it's any of his business though. It's my personal and sex life, not his. He just needs to get over himself."

But I knew Siya wasn't listening to me anymore because her eyes had glazed over with a different thought process. She topped moving her feet, firing me to turn around from a few steps ahead and face her as she sputtered a response. "You and Smith? For months?"

I exhaled with a frown settling on my link lips, brushing my fiery red hair out of my face. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you but I thought Jessica and then Jake would find out so we decided not to say anything to anyone. I didn't want to lie to you Siya, but I had to. Jake would have murdered me."

I don't think a word of what I said registered in her brain. Instead, her dark eyes were fixated on my face with wide pupils before her lips parted and her nostrils flared in anger. "You've been sleeping with the man I liked for months and you didn't even tell me?" She practically yelled at me in a seething voice.

What?

My lips parted as my eyebrows furrowed in genuine confusion. Siya and Smith? I never would have imagined that in a million years. They were two totally different people. He liked to smoke, she hated even the idea of it. Smith liked rock music, she liked country. Siya thought anything but vanilla sex was unappealing, Smith complete was the opposite. My boyfriend would rather watch the news and she would rather watch sports. The six foot five volleyball player liked politics and realism, she despised debate and lived an optimist lifestyle. They couldn't be more different. Some days I considered it a miracle they were even friends.

"I'm sorry, what?" I sputtered in shock. Not once had she mentioned being interested in the attractive Korean.

"It's been so damn obvious for months!" She burst out as I gaped at her. "I've been flirting with him for months but just like always, you get the guy even when I'm the one thats with him every day! You're always off with Troy and still, he only sees you! Maybe if you weren't such a self absorbed, shity friend then you would have noticed!"

My lips parted to search for the words to make this better but I didn't have any. In all honesty, I wouldn't have stopped sleeping with Smith if I had known. But, that didn't mean wouldn't try to pushed them together; she was still my best friend after all. How many times had she purposefully sat next to him or eyed him at practice? How many times did he leave her and Troy at parties to find me? Smith had never said anything to me; surely he didn't know Siya was into him, right?

"I-I don't know what to say," I stumbled over my words while rapidly searching for an excuse that would let her down easy but I couldn't find one.

"That's the problem," she all but yelled at me. "You never have anything to say because it's never your fault. You never have to try for guys and girls to look at you, they just do. You never have to worry about not being the best at tennis. You never have to try as hard in class. You never have to try for anything! Everything just falls into your lap!"

"What do you want me to say?" I asked exasperatedly. "That I do the bare minimum? Yeah, I do. But tennis? I work my ass off and you know it. I'm the first and last one on the court and I'm always training on my own. Don't you dare tell me I don't try. And it's not my fault that you didn't tell me you liked my brothers best friend! What was I supposed to do? Read your mind and know I shouldn't be fucking him?"

"Maybe if you actually told your best friend things this wouldn't be a problem!"

"That's fucking rich coming from you," I snarled, suddenly feeling angry and betrayed. Could she not be happy for me? Did everyone really hate the idea of Smith and I that much? "And you know what? For someone that doesn't try, problems sure as hell fall into my lap a lot more than anyone else."

"Well maybe when you figure this one out you can let me know," she snapped back before shouldering past me, leaving me to stand there in the morning sun with a dropped jaw and a sour taste in my mouth.

How had I lost everyone close to me?

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