SLOW BURN

18. just as guilty

My heart is beating hard against my chest. My body anticipates what I'm about to do and it's responding. It reminds me of a roller coaster, right at the tip of the mountain just before you slide all the way down in one drop. You're scared and excited at the same time. I've never been this desperate to have sex with someone. It's embarrassing. I'm so glad no one can hear my thoughts.

The feeling doesn't last for long because it's replaced with disappointment just five seconds after I say the words by a phone call.

"Answer." I tell Josh when he doesn't move. He looks as disappointed as I feel.

"Hey, Dad," He says onto the phone.

I sigh and unbuckle my seat belt while Josh speaks on the phone. Why is there always something in between? It's like the universe is saying no. Is this some kind of sign that I should take? Is that what all the interruptions have been? Signs from the universe that is saying no?

"Okay, I'll be there in a few." Josh hangs up and looks at me. "I'm so sorry. My dad asked me to come in."

I half smile. "It's fine. I'm tired anyway."

"Let me get that for you," he says when I pull open the door.

"I got it," I say but he's already walking around the truck.

"I really am sorry," he says when we reaches my side.

I look up at him. "I know. It's okay. Saving lives is more important. Just be safe and get some sleep."

Saving lives really is more important that's why I'm trying really hard to hide my disappointment. I still have the whole speech in my head that convinced me to say yes fresh in my head. Hopefully, I don't die before Saturday. The thought makes me want to roll my eyes at myself. Seriously, Natalie, get a grip.

Josh smiles as he reaches out to touch my cheek with the back of his hand. "I will." He puts his arms around me and hugs me tightly. I wish I could stay here forever, tucked in his strong arms. After a moment, he dips his head down and my lips find his in the darkness. He kisses me softly, almost like an apologetic kiss.

I wish he didn't feel so bad. Like I told him earlier, life is what we are living. Our jobs are part of our responsibilities. While I was ready to say 'screw it' to mine, Josh's job is way more important and meaningful. Besides, we already had this planned for Saturday. We'll just wait. I think we were both having end-of-the-world thoughts.

Josh kisses my lips then my cheek before pulling away. "Okay. I'll let you go now," he says dropping his arms on his sides.

"Okay." I smile then I steal one more kiss before turning around and walking to my apartment. I don't look back, it's somehow hard to walk away already.

I go inside and head straight for the shower. I think Cassie in sleeping, I saw her car parked outside so I try not to make a lot of noise. After the shower, I get under the covers on my bed and try not to think about what I could be doing right now. This thing between Josh and I gets more intense as we spend more time together. It feels like a ball of fire waiting to explode. I don't know if it'll explode when we're finally together or when all of this falls apart. I don't want to find out but I know it's inevitable.

The next morning, I have a quick breakfast with Cassie before going to work. My legs and arms are sore but I like the soreness. It's a weird sensation that is there to remind me I did something good for my body. I don't see Josh until Wednesday night. He worked all night on Monday so he had to get some rest on Tuesday to work Wednesday morning. I'd rather him sleep than do anything else.