I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

Chapter 16

Life had slowly been improving for Cammie with each passing day. The weight and stresses of her Dream were slowly melting away. She divided her time between studying, Jen and Savannah, and Adam, in that order. She found herself wanting to talk with Adam less and less, but she could not be sure if that was because she was growing nervous for the final act of this Shakespearan-like play of their relationship or if she was genuinely feeling more distant from him. There was not much time to mull over her feelings because the day that Cammie had both anticipated and dreaded was here. This was the weekend that Cammie's fate would be decided one way or another.

Cammie had not planned to make the eight hour drive up to Davis to celebrate Adam's birthday with him. Prior to her Dream, Cammie had never felt there would be a need to drive up to see Adam because they would spend her birthday together, which would tell them everything they needed to know about their future months before Adam's birthday. There would be no big reveal for Adam like there had been for her. But now their future was murky with uncertainty and Cammie was determined to clear the waters as quickly as possible. Once again, Cammie found herself packing her bag and planning to drive up North with absolutely no clue as to what her heart wanted.

Cammie had carefully considered the words of her new friend Jen about wanting Adam for Adam and to not hide behind some facade. She had spent time looking through old photos, listening to music, and reveling in old memories. She thought about how excited Annabelle had been with the idea of Adam being her big brother and how proud both of her parents were that she was going to marry such a fine boy. Cammie had tried to separate her feelings and ideas about Adam from her family's, but found that two were welded together like hot metal and thus inseparable. Cammie had ultimately decided that, despite her experience with Jen at the bar and the feelings Virgo had sparked at the open mic night, that she did not want that life—couldn't have that life. Though kissing someone new and experiencing the pursuit of an unknown relationship was exciting, Cammie trusted what was tried and true: Adam. Virgo was unknown. Adam was reliable.

"Are you sure about this?" Savannah asked. She had just wandered into Cammie's room and noted that Cammie was still planning on driving up to see Adam to convince him of their compatibility. Savannah was sure that Adam would not be able to Dream of Cammie, as Cammie had not seen him and Virgo had already claimed Cammie has her own. Now, all Savannah could foresee was a horrible breakup for Cammie eight hours away from home.

"Yes," Cammie replied.

"You've thought about everything?"

"Yes."

She had thought about everything; she had wrestled with the decision for hours. But no matter how much her heart was tugging her toward Virgo, she knew that there was no conceivable way that a relationship between the two of them could ever work. The pressure she felt from her parents and society was too much to choose the path that lead to Virgo. No, she had to stay with Adam. Maybe he wasn't perfect for her, but he would make her happy. He would be good enough.

"Okay, but I'm coming with you," Savannah said.

Cammie spun to face her friend. "Why?"

"Just in case."

"Just in case what?"

Savannah sighed at Cammie's feigned ignorance. "You know why. I don't want you to drive home alone if the worst happens."

"The worst isn't going to happen," Cammie said much less confident than she had wanted.

"I'm not going to let you leave without me."

Cammie sighed; there was no use arguing with Savannah.

They left the house a bit later. As soon as Cammie sat in the car, her anxiety kicked in and heart began to pump. She tried to convince herself that there was no need to be nervous about the situation, that she could convince Adam to stay with her in the event he didn't Dream of her (which Cammie was still telling herself was a possibility). She gripped the steering wheel, taking deep breaths, trying to keep herself together. The more she worked through her plan—what she would say to him, how she would say it, how she would have to keep pushing through his hurt, his pain, his confusion, bulldozing anything he had to say to convince him that they were meant to be together—the more she felt like throwing up. This seemed like an impossible feat, but she knew that she if finally wanted to be able to roll the boulder all the way up the hill and not start at the bottom at the start of each day, cursed to this pattern wrought with anxiety, that she would have to succeed here, this weekend, and convince Adam that she was in fact the love of his life, despite what some dream said.

When Adam opened the door to the apartment hours later he was surprised to find Savannah behind Cammie.

"Hey, Savannah. I didn't know you were coming too."

"Wouldn't miss it for the word."

Adam let the girls inside and they settled in.

The next day was Saturday, one day until Adam's birthday. Because Adam was not yet twenty-one the girls and Adam's college friends could not go out to drink until midnight. So they all settled on throwing a house party that lasted all day and into the night. With every second that ticked by, it seemed as though Cammie's heart was that much closer to leaping out of her chest. Her anxiety followed her like a shadow, always clinging to her heels.

At midnight, the group decided to go out the bars around town, drinking and laughing to their hearts' content. Cammie could not put down the alcohol, trying to drown the beast. Savannah stayed sober the entire night, keeping a close watch on Cammie. She watched Cammie obssess over Adam, fret over him. Cammie would not allow Adam to leave her side, as if Adam was as essential to life as oxygen. A small knot twisted in Savannah's own stomach as she anticipated the outcome of the night. This should, by all accounts, be their last night together and Savannah was unsure how Cammie would deal with the coup de grâce in the morning. All she could do was be there for her friend.

Adam and Cammie danced and drank together, having the time of their lives. Cammie was far beyond coherent at this time in the night and felt invincible. Nothing could mess up this relationship, nothing—they were perfect for each other. Cammie looked into Adam's eyes, ready to fall deeper into love with him, when she realized she was looking at a stranger, someone she didn't know. These eyes were not the familiar brown of Virgo's, but instead an endless ocean of blue with no sense of direction. Cammie felt like she was being swallowed into them, drowning.

Quickly, Cammie pulled Adam into a kiss.

"I love you," he yelled above the blare of the music.

"I love you more than anything else in this world. I wouldn't choose anyone over you. I want you to know that. You are the only person for me."

Adam smiled and kissed Cammie once again.

All good things must eventually end, as was true of this night. They group left the bars and headed home. Savannah slept on Adam's couch. Before Cammie disappeared through the threshold of Adam's door, Savannah pulled her aside to whisper words of encouragment.

"Whatever happens tonight, I'm here for you, okay?"

Cammie nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

Cammie went into Adam's room to find him in bed, close to passing out from exhaustion and alcohol intake. She undressed and slipped into bed beside her boyfriend.

"I love you," he murmered, kissing Cammie. Cammie kissed him back with all of the passion that she could muster. Somewhere deep within her, she felt like it still had not been as exciting or passionate as when she had kissed Jen. She quickly pushed the thought away.

Adam quickly feel asleep, snoring loudly, but Cammie found that she could not fall asleep despite her exhaustion. She spent the entire night looking at Adam in the darkness, running her fingers over his body, touching his lips, feeling his hair. She had no idea what was going to happen in the morning. She felt like throwing up.

Sometime in the night, however, she fell asleep.

*

Cammie woke up and found the bed was empty. She propped herself up on her elbow and scanned the room. She found Adam sitting in his desk chair, across the room, with his head in his hands.

Her heart dropped.

"Adam," she squeaked.

Adam looked up, his face tear stained.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Cammie's heart shattered. Tears poured from her eyes.

"Adam . . ."

"Why did you lie to me?" he demanded.

"Adam, I didn't!"

Cammie pushed herself out of the bed and crossed the room to embrace her boyfriend. Adam waved her off, not wanting to be touched.

"Why did you let me believe that you Dreamed of me?" his eyes fell on the necklace. "Why did you let me give you that?"

"Because, Adam," Cammie began, the entire speech that she had prepared suddenly spilling from her mind like an overturned inkwell, the words disppearing before they were created. "I want you. I don't care what some Dream says. I want to be with you!"

"That's not how this works, Cammie!"

Both of their voices were rising with emotion.

"It can work like that! Adam, we love each other. I don't need a dream to tell me that I'm supposed to be with you. Please, give us a chance. Don't listen to your Dream!"

"Don't listen to my Dream?" Adam scoffed. "How can I be with someone I can't trust?"

"You can trust me!"

"You lied to me. You lied to me about the most important part of our relationship."

"Adam, I did it for us. I don't want anyone else, I just want you."

"It doesn't matter what you want. You're not my Soulmate."

"But you're mine!"

"I'm not. Your Soulmate is some other guy." There were tears in Adam's eyes.

"No. There's no one else, there's only you."

"Do you know the guy? Have you met him?"

A million things were running through Cammie's mind and they were spinning so quickly through her head that they were becoming tangled, illegible. She couldn't pull a single, coherent thought from her head. The harder she tried, the tighter the knot became.

"No, no, no. Adam, there's no other guy."

Adam grabbed onto Cammie's arms, looking at her in the eye, begging her to understand. "There is. There is another guy that's not me."

"No, there's not! It's only you. It's only ever been you."

"Cammie—"

"There's no one else. You're the only one for me."