Hunting Sunsets

Thirty Two

It felt like I was hiding a secret that everyone could see. I had been dating Smith for no more than a two weeks and I was already feeling the pressure of my brother's gaze from across the table in the dining hall. When the libero had first walked in, Smith and I had been playing a dangerous game of holding hands which thankfully had gone unnoticed by my older brother because the two of us picked up his entry fast enough to separate.

Maybe I liked the thrill of it as much as I dreaded it. The challenge made the victory ever so sweeter.

It felt like the time I had blown Smith at the movies all over again. I'd never been more thankful that Jake was an unobservant fool. Don't get me wrong, my brother was smart, just not in the way he needed to be to discover my secret with as much ease as he probably hoped.

As much as I loved the challenge, there was still the majority of me that dreaded this entire thing. I cared about Smith so deeply it hurt me inside to think about not being with him. There were so many times in the past month that I was going to crumble at his feet. Smit was one of my best friends and I loved spending time with him more than I could explain with words. I understand that a majority of my thoughts leading up to this relationship revolves around sex and physical intimacy but that was only because the part of him that I was already madly falling for had been there all along. It was without a doubt weaseling into the back of my mind even before he had sex for the first time, and now I couldn't get it to leave.  I had given into the parasite and I was enjoying every blissful second.

The way he made me laugh was unlike anyone else. His ability to understand and sympathize with me was unlike anyone I had ever talked to. We wanted similar things in life yet we were hopelessly lost in the new world we were about to enter. I truly believed that Smit and I could make it the distance, or I never would have taken this risk. I could lose my brother because of this, and in the off chance it came down to the two important men in my life, I needed to be prepared to stay with one of them without the other for the rest of my being.

I didn't know if it would be Jake or Smith, or both in the end. If I was forced to make a decision today at gunpoint, I honestly couldn't tell you which one I would choose. Maybe that's fucked up because Jake is my brother and my best friend, but I saw it like having to choose between parents. Sure, I had favorites at times but it was genuinely impossible for me to imagine life without one of them, let alone be the one to make that choice.

In the end fate would decide, and I would be forced to reconcile with that fact. Perhaps it seems dramatic, but very few people could ever understand what Jake had been through. I wouldn't blame him for never talking to me again if he found out about Smit and I. I would deserve ever but if pain that came my way after that for what I had done to him.

"I'm glad you and Smit reconciled your differences over break," Troy brought up as the two of us walked to our new semester classes together after lunch. "You guys still had that awkward air to you even after you 'made up'. Now it's back to normal again. It's for the best, honestly."

"Honestly, I think we were both just under a lot of stress. We felt guilty about a lot of things but I'm glad we're friends again. It was starting to get to me, knowing I'm the background of every interaction it was still awkward," I replied, not wanted to give myself up to Troy before I even had a chance to broach the subject to Jake.

I had no clue how or when we were going to tell him about our relationship but I dreaded that day. A part of me knew that it would have to be after graduation before Smith and I even acted like we were starting to date. If that was the case it would make it so we weren't dating just because we were forced to be together and got horny. It would be an adult choice in the free, career world. I hope that softened the blow for Jake but I knew deep down I think he would still be angry.

Actually, not angry; furious.

We just had to make it a few more months and it would be over. People had affairs for years, would it really be that hard to hide a relationship from my brother? We had made it this far already.

"I'm just happy everything is back to how it was. Any longer and Jake would have gotten suspicious."

"I can only imagine the hellfire that would have come from that one," I muttered, knowing that was exactly what I had nightmares about at night.

"Well now you don't need to imagine it, because it's not a problem," Troy remarked, bumping my shoulder as he flashed his million dollar smirk. If he was straight, Troy would have ladies fawning at his feet. It was honestly probably a good thing he was gay, because if a majority of any gender started fawning at Troy's feet he wouldn't be able to walk outside ever again. He had that classic, adorably attractive K-pop face, even if he wasn't Korean. The hitter was the cream of the crop and he knew it well.

"Thank fucking god."

But here wasn't much to thank God about because eventually, this would all come crashing down.