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Review by Painite: Everlyn and Derrick

Title: Everlyn and Derrick 

Author: The_Sunset_Writer

Reviewer: awesomeSTG

Summary: 2.5/5

It was short, kinda catchy at first, but it didn't really pique my attention. When you're writing a summary, you should always aim to hook and lure us in, not in the terms of click baiting, but by using information about the story to make us care to the point that we would actually try to go as far as check out what's in the first chapter. To do this, you need to start with some information about your main characters, like occupation and age. What is their standpoint in society? Where are they, what's going on, and how are they involved? 

Also, while you're doing it, you might need to make sure there aren't any grammatical inconsistencies that might turn off potential readers. 

Since your blurb is short, my only problem is the incomplete sentence. 

For example:

'But as Everlyn uncovers her dark past and its bloody secrets and Derrick faces his greatest fears.' 

...erm, what's next? Why is there a period? That sentence is thereby incomplete. I don't really know what you want to add, but do consider omitting that and replacing it with a comma instead, so the sentence can be linked to your rhetorical question. 

Description: 1.5/5

Um, yeah... first of all, I want to point out that you have like... a whole ton of of very short sentences. While I think that they're good measures to avoid twists and grammatical errors caused by overcomplicating sentences, they're annoying when used too frequently. To be blunt, it's making your entire paragraphs look dull and lifeless, since not only does the book have overly bland sentences and telling, it also possesses a whole lot of incomplete sentences. 

For example: 

'I was shocked, embarrassed, and wary of the situation.' 

This is an example of telling. You can't just let Everlyn plainly narrate all those things. Show us her shock! Show us her embarrassment, and show us how wary she is!

Grammar: 2/5

Well... I guess it's pretty readable... for the most part. But then I won't tally any longer and get to the topic at hand, since grammar is going to take a whole lot. 

Messed-up tenses:

"The shop wasn't really big. There were four stands. Each full to the brim with colorful and intoxicating smells. I walked behind the cashier desk. It was small but it got the job done." 

This is an example of one of your short sentences. Anywho, what I want to say is to take notice of the word, "were, wasn't, and walked," were all in past tense, but the word, "full," is in present. There are more of these scattered all over your story, so I'd suggest revisions. I also suggest that you either change this to suit the rest, or try to find out your stronghold in tenses. Others are actually better in using present tense, others in past. Experiment on your own writing to see if it helps.

Another:

'I closed my eyes to squeezed back the tears.' 

Well, you're technically right about keeping the "closed," in past tense, but be reminded that when using a word after "to," it will ALWAYS be in present tense. There's always an exception to every rule, no?