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Review by Lone Wolf: The Way

Title: The Way

Author: DontYouWantToKnow

Reviewer: GryffindorsLoneWolf

Summary: 3.5/5

You're missing a couple of commas and some of the words are repetitive in the same paragraph. It makes the sentences redundant. I suggest using different vocabulary. It's pretty good though! You set up her struggles. I do think you should take out the slash and either used neighbour or former friend. I think former friend's a little better since it adds a bit of conflict.

Grammar: 3.5/5

There were some tense switches with verbs (it's→ it is, which is present tense). Overall, you've written your vocabs with past tense, so I suggest to keep it the same. But for the most part, you've written pretty well! Just keep in mind when you've got a dialogue tag, use a comma, not a period.

I think this is in Chapter 2:

After what seemed like light years, her father spoke. "Chris, always remember that I'm so proud of you. No matter what happens, I'll be here for you," he told her, his voice cracking a little bit, as though he hadn't used it in a while.

I changed a few of the words, since the last part sounded a little off as well as changed the period ("for you," he told her) to a comma.

Character Building: 3/5

This felt very rushed, I'll be honest. We're introduced and then find out a little bit about her daily life and then the letter comes in. It's so sudden and she takes it so lightly, it left me wondering if she's okay. That and the lack of descriptions other than 'blue' or 'green' eyes and 'frizzy hair' didn't give a good impression of the characters. Her emotions were described very well, I could actually feel them (I've had the pleasure of losing friends to fights and other nasty occurrences, so I understood how Chris is feeling). Then Aaron comes into the picture, begging her not to go and then goes with her, out of 'his friendly neighbourness'.

I think slowing down the story could really help build your characters. Don't show so much of her daily life. The part with Chris struggling to paint was done well. We understand she's suffering and blundering about. Show interactions between her and Aaron that tell us that the two fo them can't 'stand' each other because of the incident that happened between. I'd suggest dragging it into the new world that Chris goes into.

Writing Style: 3/5

I tend to be picky about writing styles, so bear with me. The sentences seem to be the same length and if there's not a variety within the sentences, it'll feel redundant, even if the words differ. Try not to be repetitive with words. If it's being told from Chris's POV, how would she know how her Dad and Aaron felt? 

I think adding more descriptions of the surroundings would help. Not small details, just ones that could help the reader place where the characters are (since the story moves kinda fast).

Plot + Uniqueness: 4/5

I haven't actually read a story of a girl going a new world (on her own, with a person she's been involved with) so props on that! I think if you slowed the plot down, show more interactions between the characters to build up their personalities and add more descriptions of the environment, it'd made a great story!

OVERALL SCORE: 17/25