I See You [REWRITING]

bonus one » hers

FELIX

It's like a punch to the gut when I see her at her locker a few days later. Her words still on repeat in my head, playing over and over and over again. I thought we had something that could last anything, and I've never been so wrong in my life. Yet, I can't shake the feeling that we have more to say to each other. That we can't possible end like this.

I told her I was hers, and I meant it.

I fucked up.

I should have told her the second I got the offer from Berkeley, but it somehow felt impossible. She's had to deal with a lot. With a rockstar for a father, I can only imagine it's hard to trust people's intentions and if she found out that I could possible move three hundred miles away – I knew it would have freaked her out. I wanted to tell her myself. She deserved to hear the news from me, but I should have known it was going to catch up to me.

Every second I spent not telling her, was another second open for someone else to and of course, Greyson beat me to it. Of course, Davidson had to share the news with him.

It shouldn't have ended like this, and everyday that passes by is another day I wish things weren't like this. There has to be something I can do, or say to fix my wrongs but then I catch a glimpse of her in the courtyard, or the halls, or the parking lot. She looks drained, just as distort as I feel and I don't know if I can. That maybe, she may push me further away and that's my worse fear.

Losing her.

And somehow, I still managed to do just that.

I lost her, and when I did, she took a part of me with her because I wasn't kidding. Not when I said that I was hers, or that I loved her, or that I didn't know how to tell her. It was all true, because my heart is hers and I worry that I may never get it back or that I may not want it back.

No one has ever looked at me the way that she has, or cared so much. She didn't mean what she said, and I know that. We were both angry and upset, unsure of how to navigate these next steps and it left us vulnerable. To each other, and it eventually led us to implode upon ourselves. Our hearts open and completely exposed.

Stopping at my locker, I open the door to find the small picture of the two of us taped to the inside of the door from homecoming. She tagged me in it on her Instagram the day after we spent the night together for the first time. 

She opened herself to me through her photography. Hundreds, upon hundreds of these beautiful images that exposed every inch of her to the world and after that night – she finally put her name to it. She took credit for it, and when I saw all these images she had put out for the world to see it felt like I was seeing a new part of her. A part she hadn't shared with anyone else, except she had.

Thousands of them and yet, somehow, it felt special to us.

And I hate this. I hate being away from her, because I don't want to know the other side of this. Of my life without her in it. I don't know how I didn't see this coming, how I didn't prepare myself for falling completely in love with her. Every part of my heart belonging to her, and I don't ever want to give it to anyone else.

Catching my breath, I reach for my textbook and catch a glimpse of her blonde hair as she walks by with her head down. I don't know if she noticed I was here and is avoiding the chance of catching my eyes, or if she didn't even know. My breath catches when I realize I'm staring, startled by the strong grasp on my shoulder and the sudden shake of my arm.

"Forget about her, man," Gavin claps his hand over my shoulder. "She made her choice. It was the wrong one, but it's over and done with. Time to get you back to yourself."