Snap Out Of It || Ashton Irwin

5

"Ashton, you're breaking a rule." I muttered into the receiver, lazily holding the phone to my ear. "No phone calls after 10 and it's," I rolled over, checking the clock. "3 in the morning."

I had left the party two hours after arriving because some young actor (who didn't look like he'd hit puberty yet) was flirting with me, so I said my goodbye's to my dear friends, a few of which didn't know I was at the party (Luke) and violently threw myself in bed after peeling out of my dress. I reminded myself that beauty sleep would be the key to looking decent at an event such as the VMAs and drifted into a slumber until now.

"I'm always up for breaking rules." Shuffling sounded on the other end. Ashton had always been a noisy person to talk to on the phone. "I've gotta tell you the truth, T. I'm only calling at this time because I wanted to hear your voice."

"Ash..."

3 am, otherwise known as the death hour of all restraint I had mustered up since April.

"This is going to sound really creepy, but I've come to terms that I always sound like a sad sappy creep when I talk to you...I'm at the door, can you please let me in?"

I could hear the gods yelling at me while I tip toed through the quarters, trying not to wake up the peacefully asleep housemates. Maybe the gods were trying to help me do the logical thing, but no one knew what the logical thing to do at this hour. I stumbled into a table, tripped over the carpet and that wasn't evidence sufficient enough to make me turn around and tell Ashton I couldn't let him in.

A leather jacket, band tee, and a pair of sweats had never looked so good on a person and they were quite the welcoming when I opened the door. Ashton's hair was pushed back off his forehead and I always loved how much mature that simple effort made him look. He wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his chin atop my head. I timidly wrapped my arms around him, slowly accepting the casual hug.

"Why are you here?" I whispered.

"Insomnia is getting the best of me and I didn't know who else to go to." The tremble in his voice did nothing to help my case. I'd end up his victim again by the end of the night. But, I understood the toll insomnia could have on one's self. That was me for a good six years of my life, I was in that position and felt alone. And I had vowed to never let someone feel as alone as I did while being at their lowest.

I allowed him to enter, taking his jacket to hang it on the coat rack since something so leather could not be so snug. We walked silently to the kitchen, he took a seat at the table and I looked for something eat. If I was up, I might as well eat. I settled for leftovers, heating it up and grabbing two forks to split the share with the insomniac now sitting across from me.

It was sort of like staring in a mirror that could show you your past. The sad, deep, dark circles and pale skin were like a slap in the face, reminding me of the nineteen-year-old girl I once was.

"What's been bugging you?" I dug my fork into my food.

"What do you mean?" Ashton stared down at the plate, looking like a lost little boy.

"Typically insomnia comes with anxiety - worries..." Going off what Francis had told me...I'd use my own learnings from him to get through to Ashton. "Something is on your mind to be keeping you up."

"Guilt, shame, fright...I could go on listing things that are keeping me on the brink of insanity." He now picked at the food. He always spent a few minutes doing that before eating. No clue why. "My mom isn't talking to me. She hasn't spoken to me since April. I'm so lonely, T." He dropped the fork to the plate, rubbing his eyes with the pads of his fingers. "We're friends right? Because all I need at the moment is a friend," His eyes glazed over and were full of hope that I couldn't fulfill. "I can't confide in Michael, Luke, or Calum because they don't know much has gone on with me. They don't know the explicit details that you do. I've blinded them with lies."

How wrong he was. Luke had been bugging me to spill on Ashton's attitude change for a few years now. Luke was worried. Calum and Michael were worried, but none had a clue how to get through to Ashton. And I wasn't going to let everyone in on a secret. I'd done enough of that this year.

"We're friends, Ashton." Friends. Were we capable of that? I had a few minutes to think about that question before Ashton spoke, a few minutes that really allowed me to define it and make it understandable to myself that no such thing could happen between us. All or nothing was how our relationship was.

"I'm in the middle of a fucking divorce from a psycho and I'm in the middle of a custody battle for a kid that isn't even mine. Sarah had the baby in California and by law the man she is married to gets put on the birth certificate as the father. A paternity test gave me valid proof that the baby is Dick's. I couldn't even look at the baby when I still lived with Sarah. I'm so terrified that I'll end up with the baby and have to care for it or the baby will end up with Sarah, the worst person in the world. I want Dick to do something, but Sarah says she refuses to have him take action because she's dead set on her and I staying together. The paternity test wasn't even enough to have her believe Dick is the father, she's in denial. So deeply in denial and it's making her anger outbursts worse. Before I left the house I shared with her, she was more violent than ever; throwing glass objects at me, hitting me harder, choking me, scratching me with her hideous acrylic nails...s-so much pain, I didn't think I would make it out..." He stuttered his way into a sob. He covered his eyes with his palms as if that would hide the fact that he was crying. "I promised myself if I got out that I would apologize for everything I've ever done to you. Make up for everything even if you decided to treat me like shit because that's what I deserve. I just need you to give me a chance to fix this, a chance for us to be friends and do all of this the right way." He wiped his eyes of tears. "I'm so sorry, T."

I opened my mouth to say that all was forgiven, but when I tried to speak I made no sound - perhaps the gods way of telling me not to forgive him, that I couldn't let his tears double as a guilt serum because all was not forgiven and could not be forgiven by a few words and the simple mutter of a "sorry."

I jotted down a mental record of my mom not coming out of her room and asking if I was talking to myself because she was the lightest sleeper around and always came out of her room to see what I was doing. I found no interest in the leftover meal anymore, determined for something sweet. Yeah, that was what Ashton needed, to binge on desserts until he was happy enough to be distracted from my lack of forgiveness.

I dumped the food out and grabbed a carton of ice cream - cookies n' cream: the ice cream Ashton believed could fix anything. Maybe it actually did or maybe it was an illusion, but it was damn good ice cream and that was all that I cared about. I dug around for a spoon, eventually finding the silverware and waving it in the air.

"Do you remember when I would get sad a lot when we were younger? For no reason at all? The spring before I came over here, I think it was..."

Ashton nodded.

"And you stuffed my face with cookies n' cream ice cream until you were sure I was going to puke on you..."

"But I ended up puking from your balcony." Ashton laughed, sniffling.

"We're gonna go get comfortable in bed, watch late night infomercials and eat whatever's remaining in this thing." I held up the carton, giving Ashton a warm smile. This couldn't possible turn out as badly as I believed.