SLOW BURN

31. just for you

JOSH

I thought she would come.

At least I hoped.

I'm such an idiot, why would she come? I'm pretty sure I'm the last person she wants to see. At the same time, it seems pretty crazy to think about the possibility of her not missing me at all. Not even a tiny bit? Heck, I don't even care if what she misses is just the sex I just want her to miss something from me.

I'm so pathetic. It's actually quite sad.

I honestly don't know what I expected from Natalie when I told her I loved her. I didn't really thought about what her reaction would be. I just wanted her to know. I needed her to know. But that need has really cost me a lot. I don't know how many times I've regretted everything I told her that night. It's been more than two months but it feels like it was just yesterday.

Most women want men to tell them they love them but Natalie is not like most women. I should have known that. I should have predicted her reaction. Then maybe I would still have her by my side. She would still be mine...was she ever really mine though? She was mine in the moments when we gave into each other in bed. I know she wasn't really mine outside the bedroom. So why does it feel like a part of me was snatched without her? Right. It's because I love her.

I love her like I've never loved anyone in this world.

I began to miss her the moment I walked out of her apartment that night. It's only gotten worse from there. I wonder how she's doing all the time. I wonder what she's doing. If she thinks about me as much as I think of her. I have to remind myself that she made the decision to not be with me to stop myself from looking for her. She made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want what I want. I can't forget that. No matter how much I miss her.

I think about the time she thought she was pregnant a lot. That's what changed everything for me. The thought of her carrying my child made me come to my senses. It made me realize that I love her and want more than just mess around with her. I wanted everything with her and part of me hoped that she wanted the same thing. I was obviously wrong. I will never be what Brad was to her. She probably didn't even have to think about accepting Brad's wedding proposal. I'll never mean as much to her.

It hurts like a bitch but I'm a grown ass man. I have to keep going. Life is meaningless without Natalie but it keeps going whether I want it to or not. My promotion is proof of that.

I was promoted to lieutenant last week. The decision wasn't made by my father-I wouldn't have accepted if it would have. I'm sure everyone would think that I just got promoted because of him but it wasn't his decision. The fire chief, dad's boss, offered me the promotion after our current lieutenant retired. It was an honor considering I've been doing this for less than a year. I was nervous about how the others at the station would take it thinking they wouldn't like that a newbie outranks them now but they all seemed sincere with their congratulations. It's part of the reason I allowed my mother to throw me a little get together to celebrate which is where I am now.

It's in my parents backyard and it's mostly people from the station and their families. Brad invited all of his gang. I'm sitting here looking around and faking a smile every time someone congratulates me but I keep thinking about how the only person I wanted to celebrate with is not here.

I'm not sure when it hurt more: if it was when she was with Brad and I knew she was forbidden or now when she's single and doesn't want to be with me. I think I would prefer it if it was because she was still with Brad-at least I would have some hope.

"Hey," Cassie says handing me a beer. "Here."

"Thanks," I say as she sits next to me.

"You alright?" She asks and I turn to look at her.