Irondad & spiderson One shots {open}

Two can play that game

*PETER'S POV*

"Hey Karen. Check the footage from earlier."
"Sure thing Peter. Activating baby Monitor protocol." I groaned. "Whyyyyy." "Mr. Stark programmed me to look after you when he couldn't." "Well I can take care of myself!"

"I beg to differ." I swear to Thor I could hear a glint of amusement in her voice.  "Hey!" "You've gotten shot at least twice this week Peter. And it's only Wednesday." "Okay you've got a point there...Geez he puts a lot of these protocols in my suit."

"Would you like me to list them? You have approximately two hundr-" "Karen it's fine. I don't need to know." Suddenly an idea popped in my head.

"I wonder how Mr. Stark will feel if I do the same to him..." "I don't think you should do that Peter." "Why not!?" "Because he is your boss." "That's not a very good excuse." It was silent for a moment.

I chuckled. "I think I'll give Mr. Stark a taste of his own medicine... ya know why Karen?"
"Why's that Peter?"

" 'Cause two can play that game."

"What game is that Peter?" "Wha- no it's figurative language..." I sighed. "Leave it to Mr. Stark to program everything in this suit but the meaning of figurative language." "You could update me." "Yeah yeah I'll do it later. Right now though, I've gotta make a call." I said, pulling out his phone to call a certain friend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*TIME SKIP IN TONY'S POV*

"Hey FRI,"
I had been working in the lab breaking a part and re-building a car.

"Hello boss." "Could you zoom in on this for me?" "Of course. Old man bifocals protocol activated."

"Ok tha- wait what? What was that protocol?"
"Repeating the sentence. Too-old-to-hear-shit-protocol activated. I said old man bifocals protocol."

I sat there in silent shock. 'What...the...frick.' I hadn't told FRIDAY to do any protocol like that...

"Why'd you do that FRIDAY...? I didn't program that." "With all due respect, I have been told not to tell you, sir."

I grumbled a 'whatever' and went back to work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next time these protocols were activated, it was at a mission. The rest of the team was at a spot different than where Tony was. He had been flying through the air when the thing they'd been fighting blasted his thrusters.

—

"Ohshitohshitohshit!" I yelled, falling through the sky. "FRIDAY!!! Tell the team my thrusters are down and I need help! Quick!"

"On it sir! Activating I've fallen and I can't get up protocol!" The AI said urgently.
'How do you make that sentence sound urgent...'

"What!?" I yelled. "I've activated the I've fallen and I can-" "Y-yeah I got that FRI!" I yelled in terror again as I saw how close to the ground I was getting.

"Where are they?!?!" All of a sudden, I stopped falling with a jerk. I looked up to see Peter, who had grabbed my hand with a web. I was breathing heavily and in shock.
"Jesus Christ..."

"Hey Mr. Stark." "H...hey kid..." "what's up?" "Oh nothing. Just contemplating my life. You know... the usual." Peter pulled me up on the building he'd been standing on. "Are you ok Mr. Stark?" "Thanks to you Pete." He smiled.

When we were all on the ground, I told the team that they suck because I'd be dead if it wasn't for Peter and to listen to the audio of my conversation with FRIDAY. The others had amused expressions with a hint of confusion- except for Peter. He looked like he was ready to burst from holding back so much laughter.

"You ok?" Nat asked. Just then, Peter fell to the floor laughing his ass off. "I don't know if I should be confused or offended at the fact that you are laughing at my near death experience."

Finally, things seemed to click in Tony's brain. "You did this didn't you?" "Pfffft nooo!" "You did." "No I didn't." "You're not gonna admit it, huh?" "Nope." Tony sighed.

"You're literally gonna be the death of me." "You can't blame me for how many 'near death experiences' you've had. That's on you." Clint 'Ooooo'd' at his sass. Nat smacked the back of his head for being immature.

"At this point, I think you've had more than me." Tony said. "Na ah." "You sure?" "Yep!" "I beg to differ-" "Can it mr. Rogers." "Peter that's rude to speak to your superiors like that." "Mhm...well- I've got homework to do. See you guys!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was one last time where this prank took place. Well... it wasn't the last time but it was the ending of it being a secret.

—

"Boss. Peter seems to be in distress." I instantly put my work to the side. "What's wrong with him?" "He seems to have 3 cracked ribs, a black eye, a stab wound, and a bullet lodged into his side." "Jeez... uhh...tell me his location."

"Activating helicopter parent protocol."

A map from the compound to where he was showed up. "Repeat that please?" "Activating too-old-to-hear-shi-" "I don't need to hear that thanks-just... repeat what you said in the first place." "I said 'activating helicopter parent protocol' boss."

"Why do you say those protocols though? I never programmed them!" "I was asked to keep it a secret." "Well now you have to tell me." "Sir. Peter seems to be bleeding out by a dumpster. I advise you to-"

"Shit!!! I'm leaving now. Tell him I'm on my way!" "Of course."

Soon enough, I got Peter and had to carry him to med bay. They would get him bandaged up but first, the bullet needed to be taken out. It was decided that putting him under would be the best option because it was the only thing they had that would work on Peter with his enhanced metabolism.

Peter with laughing gas was a sight. I chuckled the whole time when the boy started talking about how cool it would be to have a real lightsaber. 'I'll make him a real one later.' I noted.

"Ya know what's funny Mr. Stark?" "What's that Pete?" "The whole protocol thing was me." "Yeah. I figured. Why'd you do it anyway?" "'Cause it was funny." I smiled amusingly.

"Also because you did the baby monitor protocol and stuff in my suit, I thought it would be funny if I did it to you." Peter giggled at the thought. "I called Shuri to help me program it. It was great."

"It was pretty funny, I'll give you that." "Mhm..." The 15 year old boy, high as a kite, drifted off to sleep and the doctor ushered me out of the room to get to work, dislodging the bullet within a few minutes and fixing his other injuries up.

I walked away satisfied that I got my answer. I'd probably get Peter back someday- but for now? I was going to make my kid a real-life lightsaber.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Words- 1169