Hunting Sunsets

Thirty Eight

The cold floor sent chills down my spine and summoned goosebumps to rise on my pale skin as I sat leaning against my bed. My heavy head was tipped back against my white comforter with my arms rested on my knees. The cold metal of my nose ring sat on the skin of my upper lip, not yet warmed from my body heat since I put it back on after a hectic sports day. Small tears escaped my closed eyes and cascaded down the sides of my face slowly. Troy was in Jake's room with him because he needed someone to watch after him and my thick headed brother couldn't be around Smith nor myself without getting worked up and agitated. We had barely gotten Jake here in one piece, with Smith having to force him into the car by the collar.

Troy had attempted to put my room back together while we were gone, but the pile of shit in the middle of my room was still there and I didn't blame him. I wouldn't want to go through it if I were him either. Maybe I was all fucked up because I hadn't had my birth control in a week; all my hormones were fucked up now. Though if there was one thing that was confirmed this week was that sex with a condom was not the fucking same but there were one hundred percent no babies in our near future so we dealt with it.

"Who knew I had this much shit here," Smith mused almost emotionlessly, his body taking the place next to me. I could feel the proximity of his muscular figure beside to mine without having to open my eyes. He made no move to touch me like usual. That could be a bad sign but I didn't have it in me to care right now. "Though I'm sure some of it was stolen instead of left here." There was a teasing bite in Smith's time but even to me it sounded empty.

I opened my eyes slowly, letting them adjust to the warm toned lights illuminating the room late at night, almost early morning. My focus shifted gently to Smith's profile. There was a light bruise forming at the back his jaw were Jake had dislocated it and Smith had popped it back in. I was surprised there wasn't a darker mark or more swelling, but I guess he had popped it back and iced it fast enough to minimize many of the possible effects. I felt bad that Jake had done that to my boyfriend, but I'm sure the busted nose and black eye my brother was sporting was much worse.

I reached up with my left hand and softly felt the undamaged skin around the bruise on Smith's chiseled jaw bone. "I'm sorry he hurt you," I murmured softly. "It's not your fault, you know. He doesn't know what he's saying; Jake doesn't mean it."

Smith pursed his lips, not daring to respond just yet. He pondered his words before speaking and when he did, I wish he didn't because it did nothing to settle me. "He needs help...more than either one of us is capable of giving him."

My teeth sunk into my cheek in thought. Smith was right but what were we supposed to do? My brother has had an addiction for two year and I was stupid to think he was in the clear. You're never in the clear after you become a regular user no matter for how long. "But how?" My voice cracked in frustration. "He won't go to rehab until after graduation if at all. We could break up and never speak again for all he cared and that still wouldn't fix Jake's problems. We're inhibiting because that's all we know how to do....and....and you lied to me about it. You lied to my face for two years."

That caused Smit to turn his face and eye my features, an obvious betrayal painted on my feminine features. Just because I knew about Jake's partying didn't mean I knew about his cocaine addiction. And you know what? Maybe I was a little distracted to be angry with Smith before but now that I was sitting in a room with my boyfriend alone, my feelings were much clearer. "He's my brother and I had a right to know. You didn't even try to hide the fact that you knew from me. What else did you know? How many times did he cheat on Jessica and you covered it up? How many times was he close to overdosing and you brought him home and acted like he was only drunk?"

Smith's brows pulled together in hurt and distress as his lips tipped even lower than usual. "Do you really think that low of me? That I wouldn't tell someone who was one of my closest friends that's he was being cheated on?"

"Five hours ago I wouldn't have thought my brother was addicted to coke so I honestly don't know what to think." That the nail in the coffin and I knew it as soon as I had said it.

"You can not seriously be accusing me of covering up every one of Jake's fuck ups no matter how wrong they were. I have a sense of morals, you know," Smith defended himself in an incredulous tone like he couldn't believe I would even consider the fact that he would lie for Jake. I was too fired up and angry at the world to care. Smit was in the wrong, right?

"I thought you told me everything but you've been lying to my face! How am I not supposed to question your honesty when I find that out? All you do is cover up for him! You come home, make sure he ends up in bed, and then get in my bed like nothing is wrong!"

"Don't you dare pull that card on me," Smith hissed in a low voice like Jake and Troy could hear us through the walls even though they were both definitely occupied by Jake's inebriated state. "Do you know how many times I've kept the truth about you from Jake? I never once told him about the manipulative things Noah drilled into your head for months because you didn't want me to. I didn't speak a word about your nightmares and self loathing because you asked me not to. We lied to Jake about your emotional abuse for years. We lied about the fact we were having sex for months. We. We. We. At the very least, the last thing you can do is call me a hypocrite when all I've been is loyal to both of you! And you know what? If something serious ever happened I would have told you but it didn't because I had his back."

"But it could have!" I burst out, throwing my hands up in frustration. "Don't act like our situations are the same for a second. Jake could have died, not me."

"That's a fucking lie and you know it. Do you know how many times I've seen you skip meals when you're in a mood? How many times I've seen you drink when you get mad at the world? Granted it's been months but it still happened. That tattoo on your ribs isn't just for looks and we both know it so don't try to hide the truth from me, Maeve. You're playing just as dangerous a game as your brother and I've been protecting both your asses for years!"

My body forced itself to get up to hide the water in my eyes. Smith struck a cord and he meant to. I hadn't hurt myself in over a year but the shallow silvery scars were still hidden on the sides of my ribs. Did I struggle with looking at myself I the mirror? Yes. Was I as close to death as Jake? Not by a long shot. But I suppose in Smith's mind I could have escalated much faster than anticipated. We weren't even near being together at that time and he still kept my secret.

Smith loved me more than anyone but that didn't change the fact that he lied to me about something so serious.

His deep mocha eyes burned into my body as I slipped on my Nike slides and picked up my keys and backpack from my white desk and light wood chair. I threw it over my shoulder and got my phone, slipping on a pair of black shorts over my underwear. "Where are you going?"

"Away from you. I need space."

"You're seriously walking away from me because we're having an argument?" The disbelief was almost offensively present. Smith stood up from the floor, walking towards me but maintaining at least a foot of dis trance between his towering body and my small frame. "Are you going to do this every time we fight? Walk away from me and let it simmer? You used to trust me, you know."

"And you used to be honest with me. I'll call you when I'm ready to talk but right now I need to be alone. Tell Troy I'm at his dorm and don't bother trying to follow me."

And with that I left my boyfriend standing in my bedroom, both of us seriously questioning if we would even be in a relationship tomorrow. We were built on a foundation of lies, our only mistake was believing we only lied to those on the outside and not each other.

Love isn't enough.

It never is.