To: Spider-Dweeb (P. Parker x Reader)

✆ 𝙻𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝙸𝚜 𝙷𝚊𝚛𝚍 ✆

✆ ᏟᎪᏞᏞ ✆
╔ Regular- (y/n) ╗
╚ Bold- peter ╝

Do you ever just feel sad because life?

Maybe be more specific

You know like, life just brings you down because it's all just one big disappointment

(Y/n), you doing ok?
Like it doesn't sound like it, but then again our generation jokes about this kind of stuff 24/7

Besides the fact that I just stood in the shower for over an hour as I contemplated life, and am now laying on my bed in only a towel, I'm doing just dandy

One, I did not need to know that
Two, you're a lot less energetic than I'm used to, and that has me concerned

I can feel you blushing from the other side of the phone, Spider-Dweeb

Am not!

Look in the mirror and tell yourself that to your flushed face
Also, didn't know you cared that much about me so aw
I feel loved

Of course I care
We're friends, aren't we?

We've literally only meet each other as Peter and (Y/n) once, and that was to search for inter dimensional portals
So yeah, I would say we're friends

Now be honest with me, what's wrong?

You're going to laugh

What?!
Now I'm not

I ran out of shampoo but I still have a shitload of conditioner left
Life is just so unfair!
I literally bought them at the same time!
How did my shampoo finish before my conditioner!

You've got to me joking
This is what has you as sad and depressed?

Yes

Oh my god

I think you mean oh my Thor, but continue

I feel like you bring up Thor in every conversation we have

Thanks for stating the obvious, Captain

I'm not Steve Rogers

I'm talking about you, Mr. Captain Obvious!
Of course I know that I mention Thor every time that we speak!

I take back my previous statement, I don't give a damn about you

I mUsT nOt TeLl LiEs

Are you calling me a liar?

I ain't callin' you a truther!
So, I'm thinking of messing with Flash again
What should I tell him this time?

How about tell him I'm resistant to vampires

Oh shit, but what if you actually are?!

I guess I'll just have to wait for a vampire to bite me to see if it's true or not, but for the meantime it's a lie

Cool, I'll think of some more to tell him
Did I tell you that I convinced Thor to let me visit Asgard!

Wait, seriously!

No tea, just facts

That's probably that most awesomest thing I've heard in my entire life!

You're telling me that it's even better than being made an Avengers?

To be honest, yeah
The first time I was offered to be one I turned Tony down
Then I became one when Tony knighted me on an alien spaceship because Thanos was being an intergalactic jerk
My first day as an Avenger I died

That's the saddest story I've ever heard
Imagine if everyone who turned to dust was still dead
Your first day as an Avengers would have also been your last

It was that way for a while
I should probably get going
I have an essay that's due tomorrow that I've barely started

You're stupid

ᴇɴᴅ ᴄᴀʟʟ

✆ Ｔｅｘｔ✆
╔ Regular- (y/n) ╗
╚ Bold- flash   ╝

I've been gifted some information that I thought you might like

Tell me

What's the magic word?

Bitch, hand it over

Not with that attitude, I won't
Now tell me the magic word, asshole

No

Fine be that way, but I'll have you know that I have also befriend both the Black Widow and the God of Thunder
I'm sure they wouldn't mind beating the crap out of you for being so rude

Please

:)

Stop that

:)

Did anyone every tell you that when you send those, you make it seem incredibly creepy?

Plenty
Ok, so this just in! Spider-Man is resistant to vampires!

Wot?

*what?

Shut up

Physical impossible considering I'm not speaking to you, I'm text you

You know what I mean

Do I?

I swear

Black Widow goes bang bang pow
God of Thunder goes crack spackle pow

Spackle is not even a word

Sure it is
A wise man once said "All words are made up."

And who said that?

Thor. He told some space morons that once
At least that's what I've been told
Ok, so the last thing I found out is incredibly interesting

I'm ready

Spider-Man was once turned into a pig and went by Spider-Ham
Spider-Ham sounded exactly like John Mulaney

Really? How come no one has heard of that happening

Because it was kept as a secret
Well this conversation has bored me out, so later Eugene!