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Review by Lone Wolf: The Original One

Title: The Original One

Author: SamMacyLove

Reviewer: GryffindorsLoneWolf

Summary: 4/5

I think it's prettygood! It just needs to be polished a wee bit.

Emily is the beta's daughter. A kind, jolly girl,she's liked by everyone.

But will Fate allow her to have a happy, trouble-freelife?

This path called life is throwing rocks at Emily. A particularly huge one, to her, is having three mates. Is it one, though?

A revelation will throw everything out the window.

Shove in an oracle and it's prophecies, one jealous ex-girlfriend, a few gods, and one annoying enemy...it's a spell for disaster, confusion and chaos all together.

I'm not a great blurb writer, but if you do check out ray_of_sunshine9 and her book, 101 Tips From an Exhausted Reviewer, she has great ideas for helping writers with their blurbs!

Grammar: 1/5

There were multiple errors: present tense verbs where there should be past tense, multiple missing commas, misspellings, improper sentences (like the syntax wasn't correct). I suggest using an editor from our community! And please use contractions! (Did not = didn't, was not = wasn't, I will = I'll)

Character Building: 2/5

There wasn't much time for this. A lot of the story was dialogue that looked like run-ons. There weren't many descriptions of the characters (looks wise) and the dialogues didn't help play into their personality. I suggest taking time to write more about this.

Writing Style: 1/5

Your sentences are long, almost run on like. There were missing commas or even periods where they should be (dialogues). Reading said dialogues was confusing because there weren't dialogue tags showing who was talking or how they were speaking. Adding these can change the story immensely!

Try showing detail or emotions, rather than writing it out straightforwardly.

I ended the call and went to the kitchen. I found George there, eating an apple.

"Oh hey doll."

"Hey George."

"Have you talked out the details with the scholar?"

"Yeah. I will email the details to you."

Here's my suggestion for this area:

I stared at the phone, still faintly hearing the doot-doot of the hang up from the other end. Did he really just end the call? With absolutely no reason to?

I made my way to the kitchen, hoping that a snack could shake away the feeling of nausea that was roaring through my stomach. Mr. Grumpy's voice hadn't exactly exited my mind just yet.

"Hey Doll."

George. He was sitting in the kitchen, munching on an apple without a care in the world.

"Hey," I responded, trying hard not to show my discomfort. The tiles felt oddly cool under my feet and I leaned against a granite countertop.

He swallowed, with particular difficulty, a large chunk of the apple and asked, "So have you talked out the details with the scholar?"

I sighed. "Yeah, I'll email the details to you."

Just a wee bit different. I'm not sure if you'll like it, but it does set the setting a little bit better (at least, I hope it does).

Plot + Uniqueness: 3/5

I'll hang on the fence here, because there wasn't much of a plot (I think I read up until 7). I suggest having more descriptions and cutting down your sentences (the ones that are super long). I haven't read too many wolf mate stories, but I think yours would be pretty interesting (having 3 mates? Meanwhile, you've got me, who hasn't been asked out ever at age 23). It's okay to have longer chapters. If you want shorter ones, I suggest cutting out unnecessary info that doesn't help your story, like overly long dialogues, or even the plane chapter.

OVERALL SCORE: 11/25