To: Spider-Dweeb (P. Parker x Reader)

✆ 𝙲𝚘𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚎 𝚂𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝙴𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚜 ✆

✆ ᏟᎪᏞᏞ ✆
╔ Regular- (y/n) ╗
╚  Bold- peter  ╝

I think baseball hats are magical

Huh?

Like when I wear baseball hats I'm suddenly like 1000x hotter
Which is saying something because without a baseball hat I'm as pretty as a blob fish

(Y/n), it's 4:20 in the morning
Why the hell are you calling me

Blaze it!
Kidding!
Don't do drugs, kids
Drugs are bad

Let me rephrase that, what in your right mind thought it was a good idea to call me this early in the morning?!

You answered
Don't blame me
I'm just the innocent bystander

No you're not

Eh, whatever helps you sleep at night I guess

You not calling me would help me sleep at night

I came out here to have a good time and, honestly, I'm feeling so attacked right now

Suffer

Suck my dick, Parker

Kind of impossible considering you don't have one

So what I'm hearing is that if I had one, you would suck it

What, no?!
Don't put words in my mouth!

Like how I put my oh so real dick in it

I feel violated

So, back to why I called you!
Baseball hats are like a gift from the heavens
I put one on and then I'm suddenly Aphrodite

Why did you feel the need to wake me up and tell me this?

Because I haven't slept in like three days and have consumed maybe twenty-seven cups of coffee within that period of time
I JUST ORDERED A SHIT LOAD OF HATS OFF OF AMAZON!
PETER, BE PROUD OF ME!

No
You need Jesus
I'm getting you an exorcist

But, Peter, baseball hats!

You have a problem

So I've been told
So long, loser
Hope you rot in hell

Excuse you?

ᴇɴᴅ ᴄᴀʟʟ

✆ Ｔｅｘｔ✆
╔     Regular- (y/n) ╗
╚ Bold- avengers ╝

Peter
So, Midtown is in quarantine
If this is how I go out, I'll be highly disappointed

Steve
Kid, don't talk about that
You're not going to die

Peter
I can feel the sweet release of death drawing near