Nostalgia | Dazai Osamu

38| Empty

There was only the soft howls of the wind.

"Come back... "

My hands were empty. I grasped onto nothing but cold air.

"Come back to me..."

Darkness, but not her. Head spinning, the world a blur.

"D-Don't... Don't go."

Small head shakes. I grasped again. More cold air.

"No..."

My voice was a cracked whisper half taken by the wind, half taken by sorrow. It was painful to even speak.

To even see.

And suddenly, to even live.

To not feel her... was a dysphoria.

"Please just.... please," I whimpered,"Please just... come back."

But I knew from the burning hole in my heart that she wouldn't ever return. I knew that she was lost in the sea of air, not a single piece of her left for me.

What did I do?

I started at my pallid hands, empty, where I held her so tenderly a few seconds again. Now they were collecting my tears that turned to weeping waterfalls, soaking my cheeks with rivers that carried my sorrow... I hung my head, my breathing out of control.

She was dead...She was dead.

I had heard crashes continued behind me from the neverending fight, but everything in my head had froze. I had to hold onto something...Why was I the one to breathe? Too much pain that sat in my stomach like a cold stone. What would I do now, now that shes...

Now that she was dead...

I failed to give her all of me. I failed to save her. 

Why was I still here? Why should I be here... and not her? I was the one to destroy her and turn her life to a disaster, I was the one who unwillingly lead her to Francis... I was the one that cuased her to turn into a demon...

Life was cruel. But not as cruel as the person I was.

Why was I still breathing?

I shut my eyes tight, my empty hands steadying my shaking body. 

"I love you, Dazai Osamu."

Why was I trusted with such beauty? Why didn't I realise what angel I was holding before she fell?

"I'm glad I haven't known a life without you."

Her voice was in my head, a simple reminder of what I had destroyed. And it wasn't her that I had destroyed- I had destroyed myself. My world, my everything, my love, my Donnabella. I couldn't bare to turn around and leave this place, I was chained right here with nothing in front of me but a vast emptiness. 

I deserved hell. No, more than hell.

My eyes lingered to the side of the ship through the wall of tears, where the drop of darkness and a quick few seconds laid.

Why was I still breathing?

It was that thought that pulled me up. That thought that reminded me I had no right to continue to exists after she had gone. I had said it myself- the only reason I wanted to live was to see her smile, her laugh and to know that she is okay. I shouldn't breathing anymore, right? Why should I? She was dead.

She was dead.

She was dead.

Because of me.