Baby Packmen

Author's Apology

Triggers: Cancer, death, cutting, health issues, friend problems, anxiety, depression

Hey y'all. Feel free to skip this if you want to. I haven't been doing well. My depression has been getting worse and worse until maybe a month ago. I'm finally starting to do the things I enjoy doing again. Like writing.

As y'all know I haven't updated in about 2 years. About a year before I stopped updating my dog that helped me through my first bought of depression died. I was away at college so I couldn't even say goodbye. A couple of months after that my cousin killed himself. I've been going down since. I still am not over that but hey I have a really amazing therapist and I'm trusting my parents more. They are amazing too.

I had what I thought were good friends who ended up hurting me very badly. I did everything with them for ages and then they turned around and mocked me during one of the scary parts of my life.

On my birthday I went to my primary doctor and we discovered I had something that looked like skin cancer. A mole I've had my whole life suddenly doubled in size and got much much darker. We went to the plastic surgeon and luckily I already had a surgy appointment for a cartilage bump on my ear. So it was removed in March and tested. Turnes out it was basal cells but still pre-cancerous. So that was a blessing. I really don't want cancer on top of my other health issues.

That being said I have, well I think I have, PCOS which is Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome and Cushing's. I say I think because I have had a terrible doctor who didn't really care about me and figuring out what I had. On the 17th of June 2019, I am going to an endocrinologist that should be able to finally help me. I am so tired. I really hope this doctor works out. PCOS is a thingy were (in my case at least) I have the hormones of a 13-year-old girl just hitting puberty and of a 50-year-old menopausal woman. So I have the mood swings and hot flashes. Also, it means I can get cysts in my ovaries that literally explode. I've had it happen twice maybe three times. Its the worst pain I have ever been in. I've dislocated both knee caps, sprained both ankles, jumped full speed off my bed and had rug burn all over my face and so many more things. I'm kinda a disaster. Cushing's Disease is a begin tumor on the pituitary gland. Basically, it makes me produce waaaayyyy too much of the stress hormone. Both diseases cause me to gain weight and make it really hard to lose weight. All through high school and middle school, I gained about 50 lbs a year. I have an eating disorder now too. YAY. In short, my health isn't good. I'm sick 95% of the time. Im so tired of being sick.

That's why I've had to take the last year off of school. To deal with my health and get into all the doctors I need to see. As well as getting my mental health under control. Last year in late May I ended up cutting again. I lost about 3 years of progress and it really shattered me. I haven't cut since, but I've done the pen method more than once. I'm finally not suicidal. So that's really nice. It's honestly been a while.

My depression is better and I'm learning my anxiety triggers as I go. Like I said my therapist, is an amazing woman who has been at my side this whole year. I'm even trusting my parents more and being more honest with them about my health. Yeah, I'm 22 and still live at home. F-off if you have a problem with it. You don't have to deal with me and my delightfully messed up ass

So yeah. Hope that clears some stuff up about why I've been awol. It's been rough. Hope y'all can forgive me. If you're depressed get help. Please. Please don't end it all. It's not worth it. You are loved. You are needed. You are worthy. You are valid. You are not alone.