To Die List(CrankGameplays X Reader)

~II~

*deep breath in*

*long, overdramatic breath out*

thE FUCKIN STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS, EXCUSE ME, BUT WHAT THE FU-

Y/n's POV

The constant headaches, struggling to control my eyes, the loss in appetite, ect. It was all there, all of the symptoms. It was hell going through all of it. Everyone thought it was something else. 'You're on your phone too much', 'you're tired', 'something is going on in school.' It angered me to no end that everyone thought it was something it wasn't. It's not not my phone, it's not my sleep schedule, it's not a bad day. It wasn't anything anyone assumed and no one, especially my parents, believed me.

It wasn't until I was rushed to the hospital for a seizure we learned what was going on. There it was, on the MRI, a glioma attached to my brainstem. I laid as still as I could in anticipation as the doctor and my parents stood in another room staring at the image in horror. For an hour I was there, lying on the uncomfortable bed, my head in the center of this tube. I was ready to scream, I was planning my escape. I wanted out of there, to know if anything serious was going on, but there on that bed I remained.

We were sat down with the doctor as he spoke to us about the glioma, the medication, the risks, everything. We were told everything we needed to know, not a question unanswered, not a tear unshed. Surgery wasn't an option due to it's location. There was no way of getting to it. With proper medication and care, I would live for a year at most if I was lucky. With an 11% chance of survival, I knew I wasn't going to be that 11%. I knew I wasn't going to make it. The Grim Reaper was on it's way to knock on my door.

After that meeting with my doctor, I was prescribed three different types of medicine. Chemotherapy, dexamethasone, and anticonvulsants. Chemo to kill fast growing cells, decadron to relieve swelling, and the anticonvulsants to prevent seizures. Instead of having the chemotherapy to be injected into my veins every now an then, I chose to take the tablet form of them. It was much easier that way, taking chemo without having to go into a room full of people like me to sit in a chair as it shoots into my body. Yes, it may not be as effective, but taking this medicine wouldn't change anything anyway.

11%. I lived by that statistic ever since I was told I had cancer. 11%. I saw no point in the medicine, it wouldn't defeat the 89% chance of death. Any time I thought of what my future may look like, that number would pop up, ceasing any thoughts of what was ahead of me. 11%. That number, that very statistic, pushed me to change myself. Knowing a hole was being dug out for me, I decided to change my attitude. I didn't want to spend the few months I had left locked in my room, crying out of fear and sadness. I wanted to have fun, be happy, be remembered for something positive.

After two or three days of sulking around the house, using my symptoms as an excuse to get out of school, I decided to finally change what I was doing. Instead of crying, I wanted to make someone smile. Instead of locking myself in my bedroom, I wanted to spend time with my parents, meet people. I wanted to have fun. I didn't want to look back at my life and regret what I chose to spend the last few months of it doing, I wanted to be proud of all I did in that time, make some memories to reminisce on in the afterlife.
(If you don't believe in the afterlife, you can change it :))

With that in mind, the To Die List was born. On a piece of paper, I scribbled down each thing I wanted to do before my time was up. The numbers seemed to go on and on, making me realize how tame of a life I had lived. Each thing I wrote down popped in my head all at once. It was the first time I had smiled since I was diagnosed, writing the list of tasks. In my stomach I felt butterflies, excited to go through the list.

Though, something kept me from doing anything on that list. I wasn't scared, no, but I didn't want to do these tasks alone. With going through my school life alone, I didn't have anyone to go through the list with. I didn't have a friend I could ask and my parents were obviously not an option. As soon as I realized this, I put the list away in a drawer, my plan being to keep it there until my last breath. Yes, I wanted to do everything on that list, but doing it alone was not something I thought I could do.

With that being said, I went back to my days inside my house, the only difference being my mood. Instead of holding a frown to my face, I smiled, I laughed, I stayed positive. My parents were surprised at the sudden change, but they didn't question it.

A month later, I began to lose my hair due to chemo. Strand after strand fell out, section after section. While this may be an emotional time for others, I shrugged it off, not caring much about the situation. I knew it was coming. It's a small detail in the sea of bigger problems going on, it wasn't something I should put my energy into. By my request, my Dad pulled out his razor and shaved off all of the remaining hair on my head. It was relieving not having the heavy weight of my hair hanging from my head anymore or the constant aggravation it gave me when it wouldn't stay out of my face.

Now, instead of natural hair, I had an empty scalp. Instead of having nothing, though, I either wore a wig or a beanie, or sometimes both. Knowing school wouldn't allow any hats, I wore a wig every day going into that hell. It was easier being without hair. There was nothing to brush, nothing to cut, and it made my showers a lot shorter. Without having the burden of the hair hanging from my head, a lot of time was given back to me. But of course, I had to spend that given time on the artificial hair I decided to wear.

Still, a month into cancer, I hadn't touched the list I had made weeks before. New ideas had popped in my mind, more things I wanted to do, but I reminded myself of the situation. It saddened me a bit, but I brushed it off and went on about my day. It was no problem ignoring the list, but it was a problem forgetting it. It always lingered in the back of my mind, telling me I'll regret it if I don't go through the list. Still, I ignored my small urge to pull it out of my drawer and go on a solo adventure.

That was, until I was given an opportunity to finally not be alone.

Jeez, even shorter than the last chapter (ಠ_ಠ)

I promise the next one is way longer ;-;