The Unwanted- /re-writing/

Epilogue.

••Do not go gentle into that goodnight,
Old age should burn and rave
at the close of day.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Do not go gentle into that goodnight.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light••

    

Mom, you have been the biggest, scariest, darkest demon in my life. I mean, if dad were alive, he definitely would have taken that spot but its okay, I'll see him soon.

I hated you, so much that I couldn't stand to breathe the same air as you--yes, hated. I don't anymore. God answered my prayers and you changed, mom. You became the mother I always needed and...I'm sorry. I'm sorry that now that things have finally started to go right, I'm making a wrong decision. But if you look at it from my point of view, its not really a wrong decision.

Things have spoilt beyond repair, mom. It took you too long to change, and time never waits, not for anyone and you've lost time. We both have.

I love you.

Ada, Faith, you guys will probably see this before anyone else and I just want to thank you for being the best human beings in my life. Not only were you friends, you were humans with every ounce of humanity your hearts could ever hold and I pray God helps you through every obstacle that might come your way in life...he didn't help me much though. I love you guys.

Wilson...I just want to say thank you. Thank you for everything; the care, the love...for being genuine with everything you did. Thank you for showing how to love myself.

I love you.

I don't want anyone to think this is their fault. Not you mom, not dad, not Stephanie, nor Ifeanyi or anyone else that might have had the misfortune of being involved with me--either positively or negatively. This was long overdue, I just never had the courage to pull through. Stephanie just happened to hold a scissors to the last dangling rope.
I've always been hollow--no not felt hollow. I've always had a hole that nothing could ever fill. I don't know if I make any sense but I don't care, at least I know I won't be here to try and explain it to you. I'd be free from this...this emptiness inside of me. I'd be long gone, never to face this world of darkness again.

Someone once told me I was depressed. Was it in jss3? I can't really remember, but my response had been to hiss and walk away. What in the name of God did depression mean and what did it have to do with me anyway! But then days flew by, gradually turning into months, and eventually, years. And with the passage of time, came more knowledge. I realized what that girl had told me had been true and was still true, but what do I do? Who do I tell? Was I even supposed to tell? Would I make any sense? Would people understand? Or would they just laugh in my face and bully me even more for being an attention seeker? I decided against talking. After all, I'd never seen anyone else proclaim to be depressed.

And I watch now, through the eyes of death, my family and loved ones, grieving and wishing they had done better. Don't worry, I can picture it all in my head. Mom, please don't cry too much will you? For my sake.

But the deed has been done,
No bout of repentance can reverse it.
So I tell you now,
Stop it.
Stop it now!
Before its too late...