The exchange (camren) English Version

Chapter 113

Camila,

I never know the right way to start a letter, maybe because I haven't sent more than five in my life.

I will start asking for your forgiveness,
for all the mistakes I made and for all those times that I didn't think they were important in my life. You must know that even if I do everything wrong I can't live without you. I can't be half of what I am if you're not around. Even if I am just an idiot who is having to learn to live again.

I don't know exactly what I represented in your life, because I know the lot of bullshit I made, but seeing it from my point of view, you saved me from certain death, which would come in less than ten years. You brought me life, you were my smile, my peace, my happiness. You showed me a world that, until then, I had forgotten that existed, you showed me the beautiful side of life, making me see through your eyes and not the flaws that moved me from when I woke up until the moment they found me lying down in a corner of the city.

During these years when I used drugs,
I ran against time, I ran against words, against experiences ... because the only thing that interested me was being in charge of everything and everyone.
I wanted to be at the forefront of friends, of colleagues, I wanted to discover ‘everything’ before others. I was ‘the popular’ of the class.  And every day, even that sign, it had an increasing weight and forced me to ‘run’ even more. I couldn't let ‘my class’ stay behind in anything. And the great novelty of the moment were the‘successful ones’, those drugs that left us ‘full’, ‘euphoric’, ‘owners of ourselves’.

I went to consume more every day, in soccer games they served as painkillers,
in moments of desperation I was disconnected from the world, when I was sad they left me happy. The result shouldn't be new, I lost my‘class’, having only Drew, who never left me.

And the ‘friends’ who consumed with me, including Keaton, who put me under his ‘wing’. When you are drugging you live in a dark and closed room and say you are open to the world. You usually say that no one is telling the truth, meanwhile you are lying to yourself all the time. You say that no one lets you live in peace, while you live full of aggression. You want all the freedom in the world, but you live in fear of being imprisoned. You scream that you are strong and that you know what you are doing, but you fear even your own shadow. You ask to be let fly, meanwhile, you live out of the air at the bottom of a well.

You say you need an opportunity, but you throw them all away. You live by saying that you want to have friends, however, you don't realize that you are your greatest enemy. You want a little piece of heaven and you don't see how you make your life a complete hell. You walk in strides towards death and you say that this is life. What led me to live in such a hurry? It's what I wonder until today.
There are people out there who are in such a hurry and don't believe that the consequences that come are bitter.

Today, more than ever, I feel that in my skin. I feel it through you. I see you and I think what would have become of us two if I didn't need any drugs, would I have been the perfect girl!?

I don't know, but surely I would have gone to look for you at the airport and instead of wasting time trying to keep you away I would have used it to make you smile.
I have also sinned, about my family, I could have come to see Chris grow up and be the ‘hero’ he wants me to be. I could have hugged my sister more, have gone to play ball with my dad or be the exemplary daughter that my mom deserves to be.

But I lost my precious time, a time that will never return. I created wounds that today I don't have the capacity to totally heal.

I just hope not to have ruined your exchange and to return to Mexico remembering the cheerful Lauren that I let you see and not the drug addict that I try to hide today. When you pack your bags don't forget to pack my heart, so that you know that wherever you are I will be with you in some way.

And to remind you that you changed my destiny, you took me out of an alley that I thought had no way out. I will never be able to pay you for everything you did for me. It's amazing how you were the only one who noticed that when I say ‘I'm fine’ the truth is that I'm imploring someone to look me in the eyes, hold me tight and say: ‘I know you're not’ .

You were the one who brought me joy and hope to my house, who hugged me when I needed it the most and held it every night I was ‘out of my mind’, who bravely endured all my ‘tests’ of patience, you shouted in my ears that I was crazy and you were there to help me. You shouted that you would always be there. And it's because of these things that I can't and I'm not going to let this end here.

Wait for me wherever you are,
I will go after you.

Lauren Jauregui.