matty healy, falling in love over night

cold days

mattys pov

"matty" i heard whining behind me. gabby

"yeah?" i replied muffled

"i'm bored" she moaned

"what time is it?" i asked rubbing my eyes and turning to face her

"i dunno"

"then look"

she sighed and reached for her phone

"10"

fuck. what day was it? the last few weeks had been a blur. a drug haze. a mess.

"shitttt what's the date?" i asked her

"19"

"fuck i missed the scan" i said rubbing my face

"uh that was weeks ago" gabby said with her piercing blue eyes

"she's gonna kill me"

"i don't think she cares no more" gabby said, i winced at her words

"why?"

she shrugged and smirked

"saw her the other day in town, her eyes ... they seemed dead. she didn't even say a word to me. she's done matty"

i hated the way she said it. she said it like it's what i wanted. it's not

"i-" i started

"babe it's fine, now we can fuck around. go back to gabby and matty" she said rubbing my shoulder lightly

"gabby no" i pushed her off me lightly

"i don't get it" she said crossing her arms and smirking. it wasn't the same as when grace did it

"don't get what?"

"why am i never fucking enough for you?"

"gabby you-" i began to say before she cut me off

"why are you here?" she asked

"because you asked"

"no. that's not how it works. you fucked me ever since you met her"

"i-"

"you're a joke matty" she laughed cruelly

"you've lost everything" she muttered quietly

"i think she's leaving. you say you love her but you've always been sleeping with me. constantly. your whole relationship is a lie when you think about it. lies lies lies lies"

i was speechless. she was right i guess. the whole way throughout our relationship i had been fucking gabby. i knew it would kill her but i couldn't trust myself alone.
shitty excuse.
maybe i just couldn't do the whole commitment thing
wait

"what do you mean leaving?" i questioned gabby

"carly said that she sounded as if she was leaving"

"fucking- if you're lying" i threatened her

"fuck off don't you dare" she said squaring up to me

"FUCK YOU GABBY" i yelled loosing it

"you did. that's why you're in this mess" i hated the way she smirked. who was i to be mad? i did this to myself. fuck. grace

"matty just admit it, you can't love just one person. you can't you've proved it"

"gabby shut up"

"cos i'm right?"

"fuck off"

"you'll come back. you always do"

"no" i told her sternly. i meant it

i stormed out of gabbys apartment down to my range rover. as soon as i got in the car i hit the wheel setting off the horn. i didn't care. i'd lost the most important thing to me. and i didn't know how to fucking get her back.

i drove to Camden pulling up outside her house , the fairy lights were no longer hanging in her bedroom window. the curtains were pulled.
show over.

"GRACE" i shouted

"IM FUCKING SORRY" i yelled banging the door harder and harder

kian answered. his eyes looked tired and he had bags beneath them.

"where is she?" i asked

he looked disgusted at me. she told him. of course she did. he looked at me like i was scum. i am.

he turned away from em and reached for an envelope. he threw it at my feet before slamming the door in my face. i bent down and picked it up heading back to my car.

no.

she was not allowed to leave like this.

i didn't know where the fuck she was but somebody did and i wasn't letting her go like this. i needed to say sorry. i needed to get her back. i needed to do something before i fucking burst into a million pieces.

i threw the letter in the seat next to me. the seat where she should be sat. if i read that it meant we were done. no going back. done. and i refused to let that be the case.

i knew over the past few weeks i'd left her in the dark. everything was getting dark again and i just couldn't bring her down. that's not an accuse. it's not even a valid fucking reason.

i just wanted to say sorry.

i loved her so so much.

and i knew she wouldn't take me back, god i knew that. she now knew the truth. she knew some of it. a little bit of it.

i fucked gabby. she knew that. it would have killed her if she found out a couple months ago. but i know it won't have. she was done with my bullshit anyway. she was strong enough to deal with this now. not that she should have to be.

i let my head fall back and i cried. i cried out of anger, hatred for myself and regret. i loved her. i love her.

i couldn't do it without her. god i couldn't

i couldn't stop thinking, if this is how hurt i was, how hurt was she?