SLOW BURN

45. betray you

One year later...

BRAD

I knew Josh liked Natalie before Josh knew he liked Natalie.

It's always been shocking how little experience my brother has with women. Natalie was probably the first girl he ever liked in his life. Maybe that's why he fell in love with her so quick.

It's taken me a while to accept the fact that he loves her. Josh loves Natalie. We love the same woman. We probably always will. At least, I know part of me will always love her. She was my first real relationship, my first real love. What Natalie and I had was perfect for some time. We complimented each other well. She would call me out when I was an asshole. I would push her out of her comfort zone and the day will always end with her thanking me for taking her ice-skating or nightclubbing or hiking at night.

We were great together until I screwed it up.

I've wondered many times if she would have cheated on me with my brother if we wouldn't had broken up. We would have gotten married for sure. What would have happened then? Would Josh still love her regardless? Would she still have fallen in love with my brother? Were they always meant to be? Does that invalidate all the great moments I shared with her?

I've asked my therapist all of these questions many times. She never has an answer. She likes to do that thing where she makes me talk and answer my own questions and I've actually gotten pretty good at that but I haven't been able to figure out the answers to those questions. I know there's only one person that can answer them and I haven't spoken to him about Natalie since my accident.

I don't remember much from the accident but I remember clearly the events that happened before I got into my car, drunk. I still see Josh holding Natalie against that wall. I still see them kissing. I still remember calling her a 'fucking whore' which I meant back then. I used to feel angry at them all over again whenever I replayed all of that in my head. I don't know if it's because of my therapist or the time that has passed but I don't feel angry anymore. The impossible has happened. I thought I would be angry at them for the rest of my life.

A few sessions ago, my therapist asked me something that made me reconsider absolutely fucking everything that happened. She asked, "Do you think your brother and your ex-girlfriend wanted to betray you?"

The keyword was wanted.

Of course I knew the answer to that and it annoyed the fuck out of me.

"They wouldn't have kept it a secret if their intent was to hurt you." my therapist continued almost shrugging, as if she was suggesting that the sky is blue when we can all fucking see that the sky is obviously blue.

I got mad at her and skipped a whole month of sessions.

That question made me realize what a selfish asshole I've been during all this time and I didn't like it. It almost made me break my sober streak of four months. I didn't but still it would have been on my therapist. Or not. Whatever. I'm still working on accountability.

Natalie became a prohibited subject between Josh and I after my accident. He tried to speak about her a few days after I woke up from my coma but I told him I did not want to talk about her or everything that happened and he never tried again. I know they broke up a few weeks after my accident. Nobody told me but it was obvious in the way everyone started to avoid saying her name, even her own parents when they would visit.