Seal the deal!

Lost in battle

   It was October 1915 during The War, I am General John Murphy and this is my Story. was fighting for my life as the sexiest man I knew got his head blown off. I was filled to the brim with grief I was overflowing with emotion, so I went to the one place I felt at home...the government funded glory holes. I was looking for protection but the only form of protection was socks scratchy, smelly, soggy, socks. So I thought to myself, We'll die anyway so why not go bareback?

   Me and the fellow soldiers where lined up against the fence, ready for action. Waiting for the warning shot. The enemy line simultaneously spit in our holes then gave us the count down, everyone at the fence had the same reaction, after the countdown, except for me, something was wrong. The saliva was starting to freeze. Suddenly I felt a new substance. It wasn't completely liquid, and it was getting more solid too the touch, by the second. Then I heard it, that unforgettable, horrifying voice. "It even works under water." I looked over to see all my comrades with a sheer look of terror on their face. My bum is sealed...and my men are scared.

    They were screaming in terror, the watch guard climbed the fence to see what was wrong, he too was mortified by what was going on, he fainted and fell to the ground. Then the screaming started. The men on the other side chanted in unison, "I sawed this boat in half." I stood up and climbed the fence, what I saw was horrifying. All the men were completely identical. They had halves of boats that they'd shove into the bloody arse's of the armed forces. They all looked up at me at once and stopped pushing. Then they said those god forsaken words, and I swear the life drained from me at that. "Phil Swift here with flex tape"
         

                   Then they said something I genuinely agree with that was in fact, a lot of damage.