The Good Girl Plays the PLAYER

Chapter 23

I had skipped the rest of the day at school, rushed home, changed out of my uniform and went out again. The idea that Liam could possibly come over looking for me and start things up again terrified me. I everything that happened today, I feel tired, weak and vulnerable, my eyes are all swollen from all the crying, my voice is hoarse from all the screaming and shouting and in this state there is no way I can possibly have a normal conversation with him, let alone make any rational decisions on what our relationship status should be. I needed space, time and he's not the type to give me any of that, he is full on, invasive and sometimes just plain suffocating.

I've fallen for him pretty hard and only god knows why, telling him is also out of the question as I don't fully trust him and quite frankly I'm too scared to. My own feelings have betrayed me numerous times, made me irrational, I find myself experiencing new emotions I've never felt before and as some may be pleasurable, some are ugly too. Can you imagine what he would do if he actually found out how I really felt about him? He's already broken my heart once, cheating on me, and that's when he thought I just liked him. What will he do when he finds out that I'm in love with him? Will he turn on me? Will he cheat on me again? Will he act hot and cold like he always does and say horrible things to me? Will he do another disappearing act and make me wonder who he's with? Or will play me like he's done in the past with every other girl? These are only some of my worries, not to mention his previous reputation and all the shenanigans he used to get up to. My biggest worry is that he will make me believe that he feels the same way, make me trust him to the point of experiencing all my firsts with him and then recording it all to show, boast with all his pals, crushing me to oblivion. There are theses moments that feel so real, genuine, sweet and fun, but the truth is I don't know him as well as I thought I did, I never truly know where I stand with him and that makes me afraid.

My mind has been constantly overwhelmed with only thoughts of him today and now that I'm paying a bit more attention to my surroundings I realised that I have actually walked for probably a couple of miles. I keep walking on trying to figure out where I am and I realise that my feet have subconsciously brought me to Hampstead Heath. This is where Liam first confessed his feelings for me, that was a pretty messed up night too now that I think back about it, but when he talked to me, shared his problems, confessed to me I felt happy, I felt needed and wanted. It felt real, for a while at least. As I carry on walking, I reach one of the entrances to Hampstead Heath park and I take in the view around me. The autumn leafs are seen everywhere creating beautiful shades of browns, yellows and burgundy all over the ground and trees, it's pretty to look at, but the childish side of me loves kicking it around, hearing the rustling sound of the dried up leafs.

While kicking the leafs around and following the pathway all the way up to the top of the hill, I finally see the place where we once were and I have to admit, that seeing this place during the day, is even more beautiful. The weather today is mild, the skies are clear and there is a soft breeze in the air and it all feels peaceful, pleasurable and actually an ideal place to relax and think. I take in a deep breath, breathing in the fresh autumn air, filling my lungs and already I start to feel better, more my self. I keep walking ahead, still childishly kicking my feet through the browned fallen autumn leaves and strangely finding myself enjoying this time alone. I reach a bench at the end of my walk and sit there doing absolutely nothing, keeping my mind clear of all thoughts of Liam, at least for a little while and just simply relax and enjoy the view of my city, London. This is what I needed, a place to clear my head and sooth my soul and this place does just that.

It's not too crowded, just a few passers by, some walking their dogs, some flying their kites up high in the sky and some couples strolling by occasionally kissing one another. This place is perfect and I wish I had my sketch book to draw it, to capture this moment so that I can eternalise it, but hay ho, it's not meant to be. Still I grab my phone and take a few snap shots, maybe later when I get home I can draw this peaceful moment and treasure it. I take one last look at the pictures before switching off my phone, I'm low on battery so might as well conserve what little I have, you never know when you might need it. I'm lying to myself, the truth is I just don't want any unwanted calls.