Twenty

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I knew there was something wrong as soon as I walked into my living room from the kitchen with a glass of water in my hand. On the couch Jade was bent over a phone that certainly wasn't her's, scrolling through it where I mistakenly had left it on the coffee table unlocked. Apparently she was nosy but I should have known that.

"What are you doing?"

Here I was thinking I was in the right, but when her head of curls snapped around, I knew instantly that somehow I had fucked up yet again. Anger was painted on her face between her brows and in her growing frown. "Why the fuck do you still have pictures of your ex? We've been dating for almost three months, Maeve."

"I don't have pictures of my ex," I started genuinely confused. If I had pictures of my ex and I had to look at them on a regular basis I would legitimately be suicidal. That man fucked me up and over and I was not about to be reminded of his torment.

"Then what the fuck is this?" She asked rhetorically while scrolling on what was presumably my camera roll. "His abs, you guys making out, his v-line, you guys laughing, him sleeping, kissing again, him smiling at you in the park, and oh look, more sexual photos. And then you have the audacity to keep him under 'Daddy' on Snap? What the fuck, Maeve?"

That's when I knew she wasn't talking about my ex at all. She was talking about our old friend Smith. Great. She went through my texts too. In retrospect, maybe I should have changed Smith's contact but Jade was looking for a fight. "You obviously read all our conversations so tell me one damn time he and I said something even somewhat inappropriate for platonic friends," I snapped back, already defensive. Maybe it was a result of her accusative tone or maybe I was already trying to protect not only her but myself from the reality of my situation with Smith. "Exactly," I retorted at her silence. "Neither one of us have done a damn thing since you and I started dating. It's a contact name, not a god damn sext."

"It's the fact that you still keep pictures of when you two were together months later!"

"We were never together!" I shouted back, my hands gesturing in anger besides me. "He fucked me, that's it! I'm with you, not him. When will you get that through your head?"

"When you stop wearing the jewelry he gave you and start being committed to me!" Jade retorted while her eyes zeroed in on the silver chain around my neck, a necklace Smith had given me months ago for my birthday.

"I am committed to you. When have I not been? And am I suddenly not allowed to wear jewelry from my friends? Because that's what Smith and I are and I don't see why you can't accept that, Jade."

Her deep eyes flickered back up to my face as she glared at me with more anger than I had ever seen. "You know I'm insecure when he is around because you've been fucking him for months. His clothes were still in your room and better yet, you were still fucking wearing them. You eye him like I'm not even there on a regular basis. Look at me like you can't take your eyes off me, not him."

"So you're jealous? You seriously want me to end one of my closest friendships because you're jealous and you think I'm going to cheat on you? What the fuck are we doing Jade, because I trust you but you obviously don't trust me."

"Yes I'm jealous and you should respect that," Jade crossed her arms pointedly, tossing my phone on the couch in the process. "How would you feel if I started hanging out with my ex every day? I'm willing to guess 'not great' at the very least."

"No, I'd be fine with it because I believe you can be friends with exes, something Smith and I aren't even," I bit back carefully with and upturned chin. "I don't understand why you're so insecure about Smith and I's relationship. I am with you, not him."

"Because he is clearly your priority over everyone else when he shouldn't be!" She shot back fiercely in the tone that almost came across as calm. "I love you and I've fucking told you that but all that matters to you is him and that's why you aren't ready to say it back. Don't try to fucking pull the blinds over my eyes because my girlfriend is in love with another man."

"I'm not in love with him!" How could she think that? I never placed Smith above her on my priorities. I used to have meaningless sex with Smith and nothing more. Sucking his dick in a bathroom or having him finger me in public places wasn't romantic. That didn't mean there was love or even a hint of care, it was just raw and animalistic sexual intentions. I wouldn't be with Jade if I didn't like her but lately it seems like she has less and less respect for my feelings and my friendships. How was I supposed to show her what I truly felt if she didn't give me a chance? Every day was fight after fight over Smith. It was exhausting to say the least.

"And what do you expect me to do about it, Jade? Honestly. I'm tired of you finding every little piece of evidence of a man that's been in my life for three years and using it against me. I've know Smith for so long it's impossible for me to not have evidence of him around. I'm with you, not him." I'm sorry that I can't say I love her, but is it really my fault? I can't control my feelings and right now I was fucking terrified of being sucked in like my ex had done to me. So yeah, I didn't want Jade to swoop in and take me off my feet just yet but that didn't mean I would cheat on her. It honestly broke my heart to think she thought so lowly of me.

"Choose one: him or me."

"An ultimatum? You've got to be kidding me," I said incredulously, crossing my arms defensively in anger.

"I'm not," she looked me dead in the eyes with a look I hadn't seen from her before. "If he isn't your priority then choose me. He's your brothers friend after all, right?"

Silence filled the thick air as tension filled my jaw, the overwhelming urge to shatter it reaching my brain. Smith had been there for me when no one else was, he gave more to me emotionally than anyone else every could and I don't mean romantically. Maybe if Smith was just a sex toy to me I would have dropped him without a second thought, but Smith was much more to me than that and I couldn't lose him. Jade wanted a fight and a fight she got. I just hope she's fucking happy.

"Then I choose Smith, because he cares enough to not make me choose."

Jade swallowed and rolled her deep eyes like she expected my answer. "Then I guess we're over, Maeve."

And she didn't say another word as she picked her phone up off the coffee table and slammed the wooden door on her way out, her fresh vanilla scent and the image of her curly mahogany hair sticking in my suddenly betrayed feeling mind.

Everyone fucking screws me over in the end, even myself.

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