Random things

Why is it so hard to be loved?

Why is it every time I get close to someone, I always fuck everything up?  Why is it that every time I am with someone I care about, my thoughts become scrambled and I begin to think irrational thoughts?  One of my biggest problems is I am just too pushy.  Yes, I acknowledge that but why is it every time I try to work on it, I always fail?  Why?  Why is it so hard to be loved?  Why is it so easy for me to lose people in my life?  Will I be alone forever?  Just a little bit ago, I thought about suicide because I am so lonely in this world.  Yes, I have friends but it just isn't enough.  I want more than a friend.  I want someone to love and to be loved unconditionally.  No, not a pet.  I mean SOMEONE else.  I want to be loved by someone.  I want to be able to hold someone close and say everything will be alright.  I want to make someone feel safe every time I hold them.  I want to know what it is like to be loved despite my faults.  Yes, I am working on my problems but there are issues I just can't figure out how to fix.  I have asked my friends and they don't even know.  Why can't I let go?  WHY!?