Running With Scissors

Buyer Beware: Paid Story Notice

We at "Running with Scissors" would like to thank you kindly for choosing us as your #1 option for funny lawyer men stories, and occasional existential dread caused by lifting the curtain of reality to bare the ugly truth of the Universe for all to see.

Before you begin your journey through this emotional rollercoaster that is sure to change your life forever(and even that of your cat. If you don't have a cat, one will be provided to you so that its life can be changed accordingly), we must make you aware that this story is part of the Wattpad Paid Stories Program.

This program was created to give readers a chance to support their favorite writers and help them earn some revenue for their stories. After a certain amount of chapters, you will be required to purchase coins to continue reading the story.

Said coins translate into revenue for us, which we will use to sustain our underpaid intern, Sam. Care to say a few words, Sam?

"Hello, Sam here!"

And those were his few words. We think three is a perfect number to embody the principle of "few." We will now allow him to say a few more words. More like a bunch, really.

"As I was saying, hello! My name is Sam, and I'm the mastermind of this story. I'm deeply honored that Wattpad has chosen this story to be part of the Paid Program. This means a lot more than just getting paid. I'm taking a new and exciting step on my writing career, and I'm more than excited to have you along for the ride!

In order to maximize the accessibility of this story, I have chosen to maximize the free parts, as well as having fewer chapters with bigger word-counts. That way, I hope more people can find their way through the story and fall in love with the wacky misadventures of Peter and company.

This means the world to me on a personal level. I live in Venezuela, which is a country with an inflation in the million percent. This program gives me the opportunity to contribute to my household, and to improve our quality of life in a country where people have resorted to eating out of garbage cans just to survive.

If you can't afford the coins for this story but still want to support me, you can check any of my other free stories. Or just leave a nice comment! Anything, really.

For more information about the Paid Story Program, please visit Wattpad.com/paidstories

If you have any questions regarding the program, this story, or even if you just want to talk about how you're feeling right now, please don't hesitate to ask! I'm here to help."

Before we continue, we are legally required to give you the following warnings:

-Do not try to smoke or inhale this story.

-If you're on antibiotics, please do not consume this story.

-If you're on your second or third trimester of pregnancy, consume this story only after consulting with your doctor.

-If bleeding occurs, stop consumption of this book immediately and find a doctor as soon as possible.

-This story may contain peanuts.

With that being said, please enjoy this story to your leisure!

Also, there is now a brand-new, sequel-esque follow up story! "Playing With Matches" is now live, and free to read!

ArmadillOwO: "My cat consumed this story and somewhat lived. Good enough for me."

wormbook678 "The amount of times I pictured someone dance seductively is concerning."

thecodyfern: "After reading this I learned: A secretary is DIFFERENT from an Administrative Assistant!"

something_is_on_fire: "This story taught me that you should always think before hiring an assassin and going on the run."

darklight0407: "The story is good, but I think it possessed my friend because they're chasing me with a knife right now."

greggerguy: "What begins as the usual run-of-the-mill story of a guy and a Wendy's chicken nugget-adicted sort-of companion dodging the slings and arrows of a regretful choice of being assassinated, veers wildly off-course into a philosophical mumbo jumbo, but in a good way."

fathernature5321: "After reading this, I learned Craigslist has assassins if not completely incompetent, and where not to get nuggets."

KathaOwens: "It's like your creepy uncle wrote a story and made you read it -- but, you know, good. A madcap race agaisnt an existential clock that sends you on a creative rollercoaster guide that keeps you guessing and NEVER disappoints."

VIDUSHI_TheSushi: "It's the cleverest thing I've read on here. Who knew funny lawyer man could be so funny?"

DrMarshmallo: "Never thought I'd be sitting here and wondering why someone would want so many pens. But here I am, and it's all thanks to this story!"

angrysnort: "The Interplanetary Occulist-Nuisances Union(IP.O-N.U) congratulates this story for the appreciation and acknowledgement of our local Squid Overlord."

Five_of_Hearts: "This story is a rollercoaster that will have you laughing at loud, contemplating your existence, drowning in tears, and above all, make you overprotective of your pens."

Beverly_O: "Running with Scissors is now a required reading in our world. Anyone who doesn't coly is handed over to the Squid Overlords. It's that good."

Preposterous_Teabag: "While reading this story, I had tears from laughing. If you enjoy hiring a hitman from craigslist, stealing pens, and chicken nuggets, read this story. It will not disappoint."

Helloyou29: "Death is inevitable, except of your name is Peter."

cocohbyrd "I thought I knew what humor was. Running with Scissors murdered that mentality."

everybloodyusername: "This story taught me that police officers can be named after Dryclean companies."

MaybeIreadtoomuch: "I somehow stumbled on this book and was fascinated by the quirky story with its twists and turns - now, if you'll excuse me, I need to pick my wedding ring for Mr. Trash."

JessicaNhear: "After years and years of research, a lawyer finds that assassins are the worst cure for cancer."