The Lonely God

48.

*Song above: Tokyo Ghoul - Unravel (Acoustic Cover) by Nour Khan | 東京喰種-トーキョーグール-

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-HER-

I feel the floor of the graveyard under me as I drop to my knees and try to fight the sick feeling inside me as I cry my heart out.

"So this is where you've been coming all this time?" His voice slices through the silence of the graveyard, making the hair at the back of my neck stand up. I lift my head to find his hooded figures standing in front of me, looking almost the same as in the vision. Though he is a lot muscular now and more powerful.

My breath gets caught in my chest, solidifying my insides. It takes me a few seconds to realize that I am shivering visibly. My breath is coming out in front of my face like a white cloud while I look up at him. The heat of my body is melting the snow beneath me, soaking the fabric of my clothes.

The night air ruffles my hair as he slowly takes his hood down to reveal his face. His silver eyes bore into me. They are cold, passive, haunting but at the same time beautiful. The expression on his face is stern and regal.

Suddenly, I am being transported back to the night when I cursed out to his statue in a drunken state. That night I had his statue in front of me but tonight, it's him. As fear starts to creep inside me, I feel the seventeen years old me coming to life. All the emotions and memories start to play in front of my eyes, reminding me again of all the things he is capable of.

His hard gaze makes me feel so small, inferior and vulnerable. I am overwhelmed by this struggle inside me. There are two parts of me playing tug of war with my conscience. I cannot decide whether to go back to fear and loath him like the seventeen years old me used to do or to move on from that and start to nurture the small amount of affection for him that has somehow managed to sprout in my seemingly dead heart.

There's a surge of emotions and thoughts in me, it's drowning my logical part. I squeeze my eyes shut as I try to swim to the surface of the sour thoughts and memories. I am holding back my tears. It's taking all in me to not to break down in front of him. It's not like he hasn't seen me crying but I don't want him seeing my emotions getting the best out of me.

"I......I don't believe in you," Is the thing that I say next without even realizing it. My ears are ringing. I don't know if it's my imagination playing games but suddenly, our surrounding seems to have changed. We are in the ruins back in my pack. He is standing where his statue has been while the ruins of his once glories palace shadow behind him, resembling his rough and dark past.

"Isn't this what you said that night?" He asks. His voice is low and husky. It sounds like the chime of the wind, almost non-existential. For a moment, I thought he didn't speak at all. I gulp my thoughts and fears down as I stand up on my feet.

He watches me closely, not caring for the shift of the scene around us. We're not in the graveyard anymore and again, I am not his queen. I am just me. In my old clothes, in my old body, my insides wrapped in my old thoughts yet I am more me. I am the Nefret I never knew.

"We're back...." I whisper.

"You are no god. Just a self-obsessed, obnoxious, unworthy, mortal man who called himself a god," He speaks and it doesn't take me long to realize that he is repeating my words from that night. There are these unknown guilt and pain in his eyes. Words won't be able to capture them. "Guess you were right," He adds.

My chest weights down with my own words coming out of his mouth. "I... -"

"You don't deserve to be called a god! You don't deserve anything!" As he continues to repeat my words, his voice becomes stronger, laced with his unexpressed emotions. It's shaking me up from inside. The words that I used once to question him are hurting me more now.