Taisetsu (Book 1.5 of the Kakureta Hana series)

III: Secrets

I find that Amachi Junichi is always more than a little strange around me.  Not that I blame him.  He does not understand the reasons why I shower so much affection on to him, favoring him over some of the other young sons that will one day be the allies that my father and eldest brother depend upon on the battlefield.  He can never know that my affection lies with him, not because of who he is, but who he reminds me of.  The person that I must find a way to shove away my growing admiration for.

Maro Tadashi, the childhood friend that Mother had allowed me to sneak off to see whenever we were outside the wall of the fortress.  A young man that I have found that I am looking at less and less as a friend and more and more as the man he is becoming.  Father does not know where I go when I leave the fortress, nor do I wish to make him aware to the fact that I am meeting with one of the farmers' sons.  So, instead, I sit dressed in a formal kimono that Tadashi will likely never see and smile at the Amachi heir, struggling to not pretend that he is actually the person I would prefer to be seated next to me.

Amachi Junichi would have been the kind of person that could never fade into a crowd even if he had not been born into the position that he is.  He possesses an inner light that many are unable to ignore, and I have heard my father remark many times to my brothers that one day Junichi will make a strong leader, one that may even surpass the feats of his father.  I usually only see a boy who carries great burdens upon his shoulders, burdens that have become even heavier with the passing of his mother.  My father had forced Lord Amachi to lay down his sword for a brief time and bring his son to visit.  Grief hangs too thickly in a cloud about the two of them, a grief that Father understands far too well with the loss of Mother several years earlier.

Right now, Junichi is more focused on his father's general, or rather, the general's son than he is on me.  Igarashi Ryuu sits a ways from us, a streak of dirt marring his face.  My mother used to find the boy in her gardens all the time, trailing behind her as she tended to her personal beds.  A part of me is glad to see that, at least, has not changed even though my mother no longer lingers on this earth.  She always told me that Ryuu's inclination towards plants showed a concern for the well-being of the living, one that would have pushed him away from the art of battle if it had not been for the war that continued to rage.

I believed her.  I sense even now that even if Junichi had not been Lord Amachi's son that Igarashi Ryuu would have nurtured him as much as he nurtures plants.  Tadashi and he would bond over their love for that which springs from the earth, but there would never be a reason for their paths to cross.  After all, one is merely the son of farmers, born to tend to crops, and the other is the son of a general, born to tend to battle.

There is something going on between Junichi and the general's son that I cannot quite pick up on.  The adoration that I normally see lingering in the young lord's eyes is still there, but there is a new emotion, one that nearly rolls off of him in waves.  I feel like I am the only one who can tell though, the others distracted too much by the grief that has smudged the lines of who he is.

"Rika," my father says, interrupting my musing over what is dragging Junichi's eyes so firmly towards Ryuu.  I look towards my father, who smiles as he gently taps my nose. "Take Junichi with you and go find something to occupy your time.  Lord Amachi and I have much to discuss."

His words catch the attention of Junichi.  "May we take Ryuu with us?"  His eyes dart between my father and his as if he cannot decide who he is asking more.  Beyond his small frame, I can see that the words have caught the attention of the general's son, who is slyly trying to act as if he is not watching us.

"Junichi," Lord Amachi starts before my father cuts him off.

"Of course, Ryuu may accompany the two of you.  I would like his father's insight on a few matters, and I trust that Rika will be well in your boys' hands."

Junichi hops up from his place at the table and bows.  "Thank you, Shogun Fujioka."  He reaches a hand towards me to help me rise as well, and I can see that Igarashi Ryuu is standing up from his own spot.

Hand still tucked firmly in the young lord's, the hard ridges of calluses digging into my palm, we turn away from the adults.  We are only halted by the sound of Lord Amachi's throat clearing.

"Stay out of mischief, Junichi, and do not drag Lady Fujioka into any of your messes."

He glances back towards his father, and I notice a hint of fear dimming the excitement in his eyes as he nods.  Instinctively, I tighten my fingers around his reassuringly, and at the feeling, he looks down in surprise at our entwined hands as if he had forgotten that he had another part of his body.  But he does not let go, and I think that perhaps he needs comfort more than I thought he did.

Ryuu is already waiting for us outside of the hall when we slide out the doors.  At first I do not think he is as excited to escape the room full of adults as we are, but as I look closer, I can see the ripples of excitement flowing beneath the surface of his face.  Junichi smiles shyly as he looks up at the older boy.

"What do you want to do?" He asks, voice much stronger now that we are away from Lord Amachi.

He crouches down to better look at both Junichi and me.  "I think that should be Rika's choice, Jun.  After all, we are merely guests in her home."

However, as finely as he presents the words, I catch the slight glance that he throws towards the door that leads to the gardens.  My lips stretch into a smile without me noticing.  Apparently, the time that he snuck among the plants and dirt earlier was not enough to tame the longing.  I release Junichi's hand and point towards the outside.

"I hear that the stars are supposed to be beautiful tonight.  We should go out to the gardens and see how the sky appears now that darkness has started to fall."

Neither of the boys is fooled.  My interest in the star-filled sky is not that great, but Amachi Junichi pulls me into an embrace, seeming to know that I did it more for Ryuu's sake than mine.  I half-close my eyes and pretend that it is Tadashi's arms wrapped around me, but all too soon, the warmth vanishes and I am tugged by two eager boys out the door into the dark fragrance of my mother's gardens.

Igarashi Ryuu does not wander far from us, but once it is clear that we are not going to leave the tree that we have collapsed under, he bends over a bed of flowers.  I cannot quite tell what he is doing in the faint light of the lanterns and stars.  I am not worried though.  He would never intentionally hurt the plants that my mother nurtured during her life as Lady Fujioka; he knows how much they meant to her.

"Rika," Junichi says, dark eyes meeting mine, "have you ever longed for something you know you cannot have?"

Perhaps before I met Tadashi, I would have laughed at the question.  We were still mere children, children that had our lives laid out before us.  I, the daughter of the shogun, who would likely never have to worry about food or clothing, knowing that one day she would marry one of the sons of the clans united under my father. He, the daughter of a powerful clan leader, who would one day lead men into battle, relying upon the general's son he grew up with and marrying a woman who would give him an heir.

However, now that my friendship with a boy that was not part of my predetermined path had begun to turn towards something greater, I understood what Junichi was talking about.  There was a part of me that longed to break free from the life that others envied but that I now saw as a cage.

So, rather than laughing at him, I merely stare back and simply reply, "Yes."

A sad smile caresses his lips.  "Sometimes, I wish that I could tell someone like you what I really want to say.  I fear that it would be too dangerous for both of us though.  I would not wish the burdens I must bear by myself on anyone else, no matter how well I meant in sharing them."

There is more that he wants to say.  I can feel the words building in his throat, but he turns away to stare at Ryuu, who has moved on from the first bed to another.  Rather than pressing him to explain more, I reach out my hand and find his in the dark.  And, in the silence, I pray that we both find a way to either stifle our longings or find a way to fulfill them for both our sakes.