You Were Worth The Wait | Jelix

Chapter 5 - Demons

He was nearly in tears. I could see that he was biting his lip to stop him from crying. Jack hates to cry in front of people. He says it makes him look weak and vulnerable, and he doesn't want to come off that way.

I slowly rubbed his back, trying to make him feel better about what had just happened.

It was 4 am. I'd just been awoken by the sound of muffled cries and screams coming from Jack. When I woke up, he was just lying there, completely still, facing the cieling, but quietly crying for help. I knew exactly what was wrong the moment I saw him. I grabbed him and shook him, allowing him to fully wake up. As soon as he did, he threw himself into my arms, trying his hardest not to cry.

Jack suffered with sleep paralysis. Whereas most people only get it a few times or not at all in their life, Jack would get it at least once every couple of weeks. He started to suffer from it when he was about 9 years old. He knows why but he never told me. He also never shared with me what he actually saw. All he said is that he saw 'someone'.

I was lucky. I had never suffered with sleep paralysis in my entire life. I didn't understand how bad it was, but I knew it's not pleasant. I was well aware of that after seeing the massive impact it would have on Jack. He would always be down and seemingly paranoid in the morning and he would stay like that all day. It didn't matter what I did, I never managed to make him feel better.

"I'm sick of this Felix. Nowadays I'm terrified to even go to sleep." He suddenly said, after 10 minutes of pure silence.

"I know babe. I know." I kissed him on the head and continued to rub my hand up and down his back. One of the worst things about his sleep paralysis is that apart from wake him up and comfort him, there was really nothing else that I can do. It's not like there was any medication that he could take, anything I could do to help prevent or decrease the chance of him having sleep paralysis. There was nothing I could do.

"You should try talking to me about it. Maybe if you do, you'll feel better. Who knows, maybe you'll suffer with it a lot less."

"Fe...it doesn't just magically go away when you mention it to somebody else. And honestly, I don't wanna talk about it."

"Why not? You've never actually talked about it to anyone since you started having this paralysis. I feel like it could alleviate some stress, at least." He put his head in his hands, shaking it slightly.

"I can't, Felix, I'm sorry."

"But why?"

"Because if I do then you'll probably ask even more questions and you know how much I hate talking about my personal life."

"I know you hate it. But the thing is...I'm your boyfriend. I have a right to know these things. Not every single little detail about you and your life, of course. But just the important things. I know the basics about you, I know stories and anecdotes, I know the names of your siblings but I don't know you. I know Jack. I don't know Seán."

He looked up at me with his ocean eyes and smiled slightly.

"That was beautiful. You should write poetry." He then proceeded to turn the light on and get out of bed. I followed, determined to get something out of him.

"I'm being serious Jack. I'm your boyfriend yet in all honesty...I barely know you. It's almost like your past, your entire early life didn't even happen. Because you never talk about it. I think it's time you started to open up." He didn't respond and it seemed that he had no intention to. I followed him down to the kitchen, where he made himself a glass of water. He sat down at the kitchen table, staring at his beverage. I sat beside him.

"So...judging by what you said...I'm guessing that your sleep paralysis is linked to something that happened in your personal life?" After considering wether to admit the truth or just lie, he went with the first option and nodded slowly.

"What happened to make the whole thing start then? What kinds of things do you even see?" He took a sip of water and looked over at me, finally admitting defeat.

"You wanna know?" I nodded. He sighed before finally giving in and telling me.

"I see...I see my dad." And with that he looked away and continued to drink his glass of water.

He didn't talk about his dad to anybody. Ever. I didn't know his name, I didn't know any information about him, and he had never been brought up in any stories I had been told about Jack's childhood. I didn't even know if he was still alive or if him and his son ever made contact with eachother.

"Your dad? How come you see your-"

"You don't need to know." He cut me off before I could even finish my question. It got frustrating at times with Jack. He bottled everything up. He never wanted to talk to anyone about anything. He always insisted that he was 'fine' and that his problems would only be a 'burden' to everybody else.

"But Jack...if you want me to help you-" He cut me off again.

"But that's the thing Felix, I don't want you to help me. You just instantly assume that I do and that I'm perfectly fine with telling you my entire life story. I don't need to tell you about my dad and I don't want to either. All you need to know about him is that he was a very bad man and he did very bad things. That's all. Now can we please drop the subject?"

There was no point in arguing with him because I knew he would win. I had gotten him to open up a little bit. That was pretty remarkable considering that Jack never usually talks about how he feels unless he's REALLY, REALLY upset or drunk.

"Fine. I'll stop asking. It'd just be nice if you talked more about...well, you know...you." He turned around to me and placed his hand on mine, giving me a small smile.

"I know it's frustrating. I know you and plenty of others get annoyed at how stubborn I can be. I'm sorry. But I've always been like it. I've never been a huge fan of opening up and telling people about me. I find it uncomfortable and embarrassing in a way. You'll know someday. But for now, it's better left unheard. Ok?" I nodded. He leaned in and kissed me with his soft and gentle lips. He pulled away soon after to look into my eyes and smile at me.

"Are you gonna go back to bed?" I asked, in a much quieter tone. He shook his head.

"I'm just gonna stay down here and watch TV...care to join me?" I nodded without hesitation. Sure, I wanted to go back to bed and sleep. But there's always tomorrow night.