Snap Out Of It || Ashton Irwin

10

August 30, 2019

"Most people don't pass me as a guy who reads celebrity gossip. Between you and I, I like to get a dose of E! News every now and then." I shot Francis a quizzical glance. Was I so close to my therapist that I could now learn about his life? Was this what my life had come to? Was I still so distant from my therapist that he turned to celebrity gossip news to get the latest news on me?

"Why are you telling me this?" Instead of prioritizing my time today, I sat before Francis since he called me in for a surprise session he believed that I needed. I didn't think I needed it, I thought I was fine and could survive off one session a week or miss a weeks here and there. No harm to it, right?

"You're seeing Ashton Irwin again, it's all over the tabloids." He reached to the bridge of his nose, searching for his glasses that weren't there. He'd forgotten that he recently invested in contacts, which he claimed were a great invention, but hated having to touch his eyeball. With the act of him reaching for his glasses, that tells me he was disappointed with my actions. He always adjusted his glasses when he was about to scold me in the kindest, therapeutic way. "That's something you left out of our session last week."

I took my standard concentration on the window ahead. The building I always focused on had a few window cleaners hanging from it.

"Francis, it's all under a contract. If I had it my way, I'd be halfway up Henry Cavill's ass right now, but my manager thinks I'd bring some good PR Ashton's way after that Sarah scandal after all." I crossed my legs and tapped the nail of my index finger on the wooden arm of the chair.

"And by dating someone falsely under contract, you think that it makes it okay?" I hated when he would sound like a parent lecturing me and belittling me down to a young girl. Francis could turn any situation, making it appear that I did not know what I was doing, and to some level I was still a 24-year-old woman trying to figure out my way through life. So in a way, I didn't know what I was doing, but I was learning. Life was always going to be full of learning and I shouldn't be lectured for living.

"I don't think it's okay. It's wrong, but this is what I signed up for when I decided to become a New York socialite."

"You can't do this, T. You're going to eventually confuse your false feelings for real feelings and you'll be back where you started." He was annoyed. I could hear annoyance dripping from his voice. Was it time to found a new shrink? "You're still in love with him."

"He doesn't know that." I laughed although I wanted to cry. I was still in love with him and it could be the worst feeling in the world. It felt like my heart was being squeezed by his hands, my brain had gone numb with the thoughts of him, my mouth tasted of nothing but him no matter how many times I washed my mouth out, my lungs were weak with his scent, and my eyes burned with the reflection of his smile. "He thinks I'm a terrible person, so does Luke."

"Why do they think that?" Francis focused on taking notes. "What's changed about you?"

What had changed? Everything. I say I hadn't changed to only convince myself that I'd been like this since the land was conquered by dinosaurs. I would get nowhere lying to myself, though. I should lie to anyone else, but not myself.

"From my perspective I believe I've changed for the better. I'm not letting people walk all over me, I'm standing up for myself, saying things I never imagined I could say out loud, I'm just doing without thinking and for once in my life it feels fucking fantastic." I sat up, evening out my spine and holding my head up with a smile full of delight. "I feel fucking fantastic."

"Time's up." Francis looked at his wrist watch. "I'll see you next week, same time and day."

"Thank you Francis." I shook his hand before shooting a text to Lauren.