Semper Fidelis

Untitled Part 21

"I THINK I want to go back to college," deklara ni Sari habang nanonood sila ng TV ni Aldon. She was inspired by a poor commercial and she wanted to do something—better.

"College? Hindi inaasahan iyon ni Aldon. Buong akala niya ay nakalimutan na ni Sari ang pag-aaral. "W-why not? Naiinip ka na ba rito sa bahay?"

"Hindi naman. I-I just want a degree. I want to do something."

"Will you work, after college, I mean?"

Tumango si Sari. "Wala pa naman tayong baby, puwede pa siguro."

Tahimik si Aldon. Nagtataka kung bakit nga ba hindi pa nagbubuntis ang kabiyak.

"Are you on pills?" tanong nito na may halong hinanakit.

"I'm not. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit hindi tayo makabuo ng baby. Siguro hindi pa panahon." Inihilig ni Sari ang ulo sa balikat ni Aldon.

"K-kung gusto mong magtrabaho, you can join the company. I can give you a job and a position."

"I want to be in advertising."

"You're spending too much time with Ralph," wika ni Aldon.

"Mabait naman siya. At saka dahil sa kanya kaya na-realize ko na may gusto pa pala akong gawin sa buhay ko."

"Hindi naman kailangan 'yon." He hated it. He sounded like a chauvinist. But he couldn't help it.

Bago sila natulog ay naging pinal ang usapan tungkol sa pagbabalik ni Sari sa kolehiyo. Mayroon pa itong dalawang taon na nalalabi bago makakuha ng degree.

At sa unang pagkakataon, he made love to her thinking of fathering a child. Magmumukha siyang madamot kung hindi niya papayagang makatapos ng pag-aaral si Sari. Kaya naisip niyang kung magbubuntis ito, marahil ay makakalimutan ang advertising na kasalanan ni Ralph. She would be very busy with the baby, aniya sa sarili, and he wanted a child, too.

author's note:

This story brings back so many memories. I wasn't even 30 yet when i wrote this. Doon sa attic. I called my room that time attic. It was the mezzanine of the house we were living in, converted into a room, the ceiling sloped over my bed, gaya sa mga attic. Ang init pag summer.

And i was terribly lonely that time. I want to call it depression pero hindi naman ako nagpapatingin, so i guess, i was just sooooo sad. I would cry every night, i had insomia, i had no appetite for everything, except reading and writing. I'd spend everyday in bed, didn't want to go anywhere, didn't want to see anyone, i wasn't talking to my family.

I was miserable. I was in bad shape. I couldn't care less about anyone and anything. I felt like i was doomed or something.

But was i suicidal? 

No.

My problem wasn't that i didn't want to live anymore. It was, I WANTED TO LIVE but i didn't have a life. I didn't know what i had back then, but it definitely didn't feel like a LIFE.

Outside, i was normal, even gregarious. 

Inside, i felt like I wasn't even human. I could not FEEL.

Sa mga nobela lang ako may feelings. Ang theme song ko noon at LSS talaga ako ay 'yung sa Carpenters:

'I know i need to be in love, i know i wasted too much time

I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world

and fool enough to think that's what i'd find...'

I thought pag na-in love ako, sasaya na ako....

next update na lang continuation.