Dear Camila (Camila/you)

Chapter 23

10 days after Y/N 'death'

Camila POV

I couldn't believe this was happening.

None of it felt real.

I was on a flight to London, but not to meet Y/N as this flight was originally intended. But to attend her memorial service.

She couldn't even have a funeral.

I have flew all over the world, for many reasons and for hours longer than this one.

But none of them compared to how long this flight felt.

Nick had called me a few days after he broke the news and said he was arranging a memorial service while he was back for two days in London before he had to go back to Iran. Nick and I hadn't talked much other than that.

We could not lean on each other, as he could not forgive me, and I could not forgive him.

It had still not sunk in that she was gone, it didn't feel like she was dead. I still felt her presence, but perhaps that was from the dog tags around my neck that I had refused to remove even at airport security. It took my mom to explain to them what had happened before I started getting hysterical. They gave me a sympathetic look before agreeing to scan me with the hand held.

I had caused a scene.

But I didn't care, I was not removing these for as long as I lived.

I hated the sympathy in peoples eyes when my mom had told them, did I have a right to their sympathy?

They treated me like a widow, because I was.

But I know those sympathetic looks that were given to a widowed woman would change when I arrived in London.

They would all have little sympathy for me. They would probably have loathing.

I knew that Ariana would be attending along with Little Mix. They had all posted their tributes on social media. All using a photo from the after party at the Brits.

Y/N looked happy, but I could still see the pain in her eyes.

I wasn't there, I had left her on her own and lied to her that I was unwell.

When I was really in his hotel room. I closed my eyes at the thought while the tear dropped from my eye and I wished the guilt would subside. But I knew it would never.

It would live with me forever.

I wasted those precious few days with Y/N to run into the arms of someone else.

Someone I didn't even love, just to distract me from the pain I was feeling.

I hated Y/N and loved her at the same time back then, I know, deep down on some level I wanted to hurt her.

But now the only hate I felt was for myself. And I had to live with that.

Ariana was right to call me out on that red carpet, and drag me over twitter with her cryptic tweets. I know they were aimed at me.

I deserved them.

Jade had posted a picture of Y/N holding her bridal style and a pang of jealousy had crossed my heart, but I looked at the position of Y/N's hands in the photo and they were entirely appropriate, she respected me even when I was somewhere else disrespecting her.

I thought I had suffered the worst day in my life when I found out Y/N had gone, but walking off this plane into the cold harsh London air knowing that her arms would not be there to warm me and that I have to say goodbye today.