her ocean eyes // billie eilish

chapter 8

billies pov:  (tw: this chapter has mentions of suicide and self harm and alcoholism at the end of this chapter)

"nothing," i quickly said, scared that i just admitted my feelings to her. it's no secret that i like her. i feel like everyone around me knows even though we've only hung out a few times.

finneas asked me about her as soon as she left the other night, and zoe thought we were already dating. i fucking wish.

i guess i got caught in my thoughts because i didn't even realize she was staring at me. not an "i'm in love" stare either. it was more of a "what did u just say to me?" stare.

"why are you looking at me like that?" i asked her, even though i was sure i knew why.

"because you won't tell me what you meant by that. what do u mean i'm oblivious to flirting?" she said, putting air quotes over "oblivious to flirting."

"nothing, i just meant you don't seem to take hints very well. i don't wanna talk about this right now." i said. i always get choked up when i have to talk about my feelings or when i catch myself getting soft and lovey dovey. it makes me look weak.

"whatever bil. are you done with ur food? i wanna go to the next place." she said, getting up and stacking our plates without even waiting for my response. i was done anyways.

she paid for our food and got us coffees to go, then she grabbed her keys out of her back pocket and waved at me, signaling that it's time to leave.

i saw a huge group of maybe thirty people standing outside the cafe. some with big cameras, some teenage girls. and, i knew exactly what was coming.

"shit."

kat looked at me, then outside and realized what was going on. she opened the door for me and kinda blocked me from the paparazzi.

"hey babies!" i said to the girls. no matter how much i hated all the cameras, i loved seeing all my supporters. it makes me the happiest ever.

i took pictures with all of them and hugged them and told them that i loved them. sometimes i wish i could just sit and hang out with them, but i know that isn't possible. plus, i wanted to hang out with kat.

we walked away from the girls, after i waved and apologized for needing to leave. they were okay with it because they understood, but the paparazzi didn't stop following.

"is that your girlfriend billie?" "are you gonna release a new song soon?" "are you gay?" "billie can you smile for us?"

they just kept asking questions and snapping their camera lights in my face. kat seemed to be really empathetic, and she walked in front of me the whole time to hide my face. she also held my hand, which i didn't even realize she was doing until we got to her car.

we both got in and slammed the doors. she started the engine and pulled out of the parallel parking spot that she was in, and then stopped when we got to a nearby park.

"i'm sorry. i can only imagine how annoying that must be." she said, with true empathy in her voice.

"it's alright, it's not your fault. i'm just glad you were there. i hate being in those situations alone." i told her, very reassuring. i wanted her to know that i really was thankful for her. because i really, really am.

we got out of the car at the park and walked towards the back area. i wasn't sure where we were but it seemed lame. there were lights everywhere and a lot of hammocks. but there weren't many people here, so that's good.

"this...is my thinking place. i've never brought anyone here." she said, smiling, sorta awkwardly.

"so you chose me?" i said, honestly confused.

"yeah, i trust you." she put her arm on my shoulder and looked me in the eyes. i never realized how pretty her eyes were.  they were a deep shade of emerald mixed with many different light shades of green.

i could feel myself blushing and a slight smile cross my face. my eyes were twinkling. she tends to do that to me.

"you're blushing" she said, as if i didn't already know.

"oh, shut up. it's hot outside" i said, even though we both knew that wasn't true.

"it's september, bil. but alright, whatever you say."

we sat and she showed me some of her notebook and told me stories about her life. the ups and downs, the lowest and the highest. i was honestly really honored that she wanted to share everything with me. i don't even know why i'm the one person she trusts to show me this place and this valuable item to her but, i'm so lucky.

hearing her life story really made me see her differently. her mom died when she was 12, almost 5 years ago. her little brother committed suicide when he was only 13, almost 2 years ago. and her dad was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning ten too many times. but, luckily he's still here.

she's had depression since her mother passed, and she has self harm scars everywhere, which i noticed but didn't say anything about. that would just be rude.

she's insanely strong and brave and it doesn't seem like anybody has ever really told her that.

"hey. kat."

"yes?"

"i just want you to know you're one of the strongest people i've ever met. you've stuck through all this pain, and i'm so fucking glad you have. i'm so proud of you. never forget that, please."

i saw a tear fall down her face, all she could get out of her mouth was "thank you." but she didn't even need to thank me, and that's what i replied back with.

i placed my hand on her thigh and let her put her head on my shoulder. i kissed her forehead and let her continue showing me her notebook.

i think this is the best feeling i've had in a while.