LOSS

CHAPTER 17

Mariana was now very distant. The house hunting was an awkward affair, she wasn't excited at all and I tried my best to make it fun for her. She wasn't the least bit interested. The agent felt so bad for me, she kept looking at me with those 'I feel bad for you' eyes.

I ended up buying a small three bedroom house. Why? Because it was the only house Mariana cared to comment on. Compared to our six bedroom mansion, this house was small. We don't need a big house anyway.

We moved in after a week, not because we wanted to but the documents on the house had to be finalised and the house had to be refurbished.

Packing was very easy for me, nothing had sentimental value so I put everything up for sale, including my wedding pictures. I only packed personal belongings like clothes, toys, and other stuff. Barry still had some of his things in the house but I didn't touch them, i did not tell him not to pack his own stuff. Maybe the next owner might keep it or throw it away, I don't even care.  My only care was to get Mariana to open up to me.

My mom offered to talk to her but not over the phone or facetime. She wanted to do it in person and she agreed to come over after we've settled in. I always run to my mom, but my own daughter can't even run to me. It really hurts.

"Are you mad at mommy?" I asked as we ate at our new kitchen table. I prepared coconut rice with fried chicken. I couldn't replicate my mom's special jollof so I made her second favourite food.

"No?" Her response sounded like a question. Her attention was on her food.

"You don't know if you're mad at me?" I needed a clear answer. This tense relationship was eating me alive.

She paused her movements. "I'm not mad at you mommy" she still didn't look at me. I couldn't question her any further. I hope my mom gets here fast because I am about to just start crying shamelessly. Although I know it will work effectively,  I think it's emotional blackmail. I want her to be able to talk to me not pretend to be okay for my sake.

After eating, we went into her room and I proceeded to tuck her into bed and kiss her goodnight. I still couldn't get used to the tension. I feel like she blames me for everything or this is her way of processing things. I don't know whether to let her be or to be in her face till she cracks and goes back to her happy self.

I went to to the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of wine from the kitchen cabinet and poured myself a drink. After a few cups, my head started spinning. My alcohol tolerance is zero, I get drunk way too quickly. Out of nowhere I started sobbing.

I can handle Barry leaving me but not my daughter too. The thought of Barry made me so angry. That bastard, that trashy scum. What did I even see in him??

I should have left him three years ago, I mean what did I gain from staying? It would have been best if Mari did not even know her father instead of being rejected by him. What right did he even have to reject her? He's the one that deserves rejection. I wanted to scream and pull my hair but I resorted to something else.

I threw the glass in my hand at the wall. Why didn't I leave? Why didn't i make his life hell? I picked up the wine bottle and drank. When I emptied the bottle I also wanted to smash it but then my drunk brain remembered Mariana was asleep.

I stumbled outside after grabbing my phone. I wanted so badly to vent my anger but I had no one to talk to. Soon I found myself making a phone call I would never make in a sober state.