Borderline

Six

*THIS CHAPTER COMES WITH A MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING*  

 A few days had passed and Sophia hadn't come back to the unit yet. I kept bothering the Techs about taking a trip to the general hospital, they kept telling me I needed to have my treatment team meeting first and have them approve it. So I waited for 3 entire days and finally one morning a tech told me my treatment team meeting was later that day. It was Saturday so I didn't have school to pass the time, so I decided to approach the only person sitting by themselves. "Hey Liam, can I sit?" He looked up at me, his mop of curly hair falling out of his eyes.

   "Sure, Margo is it?" I nodded. You'd think he would know my name by now. "What brings you to me?"

   "I have a question, for someone who's been here a while." I sat down in the chair next to him.

   "Yeah? What do you wanna know?" He pushed his schoolwork aside and looked at me.

   "Treatment team, the first one that determines if you're going to be here long term or not, what's it like?"

   "Oh, it's awful, just terrifying." Liam started laughing. I sat there in silence while he laughed until he noticed I wasn't laughing with him. "Oh, you're serious. It's not awful, just be honest. They might let you leave." I looked away from Liam.
  
   "They already told me that because of my history that I wasn't here for short term."

   "Oh, well at least you get to hang out with us for a little while longer." I turned back to Liam and he smiled at me. "It's not too bad here, just stick with who you're with now and you'll be okay." I looked around the room and saw Blake and Harper. I then looked at Juniper and her crew.

   "Have you heard anything about Sophia?" I said to him.

    "I heard she put up a fight in the hospital. She got a feeding tube again. Her weight was dropping and she wasn't eating. They told her it was going to happen but she refused to acknowledge it." Liam shifted in his seat and pulled his binder back over to him.

   "So she's okay?"

   "Look, Margo, Sophia has been here a while and this isn't her first time getting sent to the hospital. When she comes back she's a little down but then she's back to her normal self. Don't worry." Before I could respond I heard someone call my name, I turned and saw it was Mia. I stood up. "Good luck," Liam said to me as I walked away. I approached Mia and she smiled.

   "It's time for your treatment team," she says to me, "follow me and I'll lead you to the right room, it's off the unit." Mia started walking and I followed. She grabbed her keys and unlocked the door that left the unit. We entered the building next to us and walked down a long hallway. At the end of the hall there was a door that said Treatment Team Willow on it. "Just walk in, they're ready for you" Mia leaned against the wall and watched me. The door was slightly open, I pushed it the rest of the way and entered the room.

   "Hello Margo, please close the door behind you." I closed the door and sat in a chair. Next to me was a desk, behind it was Dr.Peters. Next to the desk was a couch, Dr.Prosek and another lady sat there. There was various other chairs and another couch. The only other person I recognized was the nurse, Collin. I looked around the room a few times and was instantly anxious. "Now, Margo you have a very special case." All I could do was nod. "Honestly, it surprises me that you haven't landed yourself in a long term unit before this. I'm going to tell you now that the team and I have already decided that you will stay long-term. How long you stay here depends on how you react to treatment. Some stay a month, some stay a year, it all depends on you."

   "So you decided without my input?"

   "It's nothing against you, Margo, but your history spoke for you. You're at a severely high risk and if we let you go we are almost certain that you will hurt yourself and that's what we want to prevent." I couldn't say anything, because he was right. My anxiety was getting worse. I could feel my heart pounding and I knew I was sweating. I tried to breathe normally but I wasn't sure how much longer I could. "Obviously you'll be staying on Willow, in your same room. If you prove yourself a risk your room will be moved to a double room and be put on suicide watch. Since you've been safe since you've been here I'm taking you off of suicide watch now."
   
   "Thank you" I mumbled.

   "That's all. I'll see you tomorrow or possibly later today one on one." I nodded again and walked out the door to the awaiting Mia.

   "How'd it go?" She asks me as we walk back to the unit.

   "You're going to be seeing my face for a while." We were silent the rest of the way.

•••

   I went straight to my room when we got back. Sophia still wasn't back and I wasn't in the mood to really talk to anyone. As I walked to my room everyone's eyes were on me, they knew where I had been. After a few minutes I walked over to the stack of books that were sitting on a shelf. I pulled out a book and opened it. It was hollowed out and inside was a small box. I opened the box and stared at it's contents. Razors. I closed the box and took it out of the book and put it under my mattress. I started pacing my room. I walked back and forth and back and forth, periodically looking at my closed door waiting for someone to barge in. I had told Mia I would be taking a nap, but I was wide awake. The pacing got faster and eventually I was sitting on the ground crying. I didn't understand what was happening. I was rocking back and forth then it hit me, I was having a panic attack and it was a bad one. I knew how to stop it. But I couldn't. I was JUST taken off of suicide watch. I was crying hysterically. I crawled over to my bed and lifted the mattress and took out the box. I went into the bathroom and locked the door. I leaned against the wall and slid to the floor. I clutched the box in my hands tightly. After sitting there for what felt like hours I opened the box and I grabbed a roll of toilet paper. I took out a single double edged razor and placed it on my knee. I set the box down and grabbed the razor. I stuck out my right arm and pressed the edge of the razor down then closed my eyes. Swipe. I opened my eyes, not good enough. I pressed the razor in the same place. Swipe. When I opened my eyes again I saw that I had hit fatty tissue. Still, not good enough. Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. Finally I hit a vein and inside the cut the blood was pulsing and rushing out. I smiled to myself. I made three other cuts that looked the same as the first. Then came a knock at my bathroom door. I had been cleaning my arm and putting things away when the knock came. "Yes?" I called.

   "Margo can you open the door?" It was Mia.

   "Um, one second." I wrapped toilet paper around my arm and pulled my sleeve down. I opened the door and walked past her. "You need me?" I said not looking at her.

   "I was checking on you, you were upset at treatment team."

   "What, you think I'm going to hurt myself or something?" I still wasn't facing her.

   "No I didn't, but why do you ask? Did you hurt yourself?"
  
   "Uh, no."

   "Can I check your arms them?" I could hear Mia getting closer. I turned around and faced her.

   "I didn't hurt myself, I'm fine."

   "Then let me see."

   "No."

   "Margo, your sleeve is soaked." I looked down and quietly cursed to myself.

   "It's just water."

   "Then, let me see." Mia got closer and closer to me until I was backed into a corner, literally. "Lift up your sleeves, Margo." I took a deep breath.  "Margo."

   "Fine." Then I lifted my sleeve. Mia took a step back.

   "Margo, you need to go to the hospital. Let's go, now." I followed Mia out the room and straight to the nursing station. "Don't move"