The Kids Aren't Alright

Chapter 61: Ronan

It's nearly midnight when I arrive at the Docks, but the summer sun hasn't set yet, and the golden rays set the dark surface of the lake ablaze. It looks like oil on fire, and I swear I've never seen a more spectacular sight. This is one of those times I have to grudgingly admit that not even the Manhattan skyline compares with the raw beauty of Alaska.

I lean against one of the damp, algae-covered posts, hugging my arms across my chest to fend off the icy breeze. Droplets of water collect on my army jacket, carried in with the mist, and when the sunbeams hit the lake at the perfect angle, the fog-banks transform into a shimmering golden haze. For a few moments, I can't remember why I hate this camp so much, or why I was so determined to run away. It's hard to tear my eyes away from the bruise-purple skies and tumbling, wind-whipped mountainside. Even the thought of Clancey being found half-dead less than a week ago isn't enough to distract from the grandeur.

My reverie is broken by the sound of sneakers crunching across the pebble beach. Then, before I can spin around, the footsteps are followed by a carefree, "Hey, Chinos."

I try to fight the smile spreading across my face, but it's as futile as my battle against the chilling mist. "Hey, Pretty Boy."

Now I turn to face him. James is standing a few feet away, his hands shoved into his pockets and his broad face perfectly blank. As I stare at him, a small, hesitant smile creeps across his bronzed cheeks, like he's unsure how to deal with all the attention. It reminds me a little of Jesse, and how he would always return my gaze with questioning eyes, as if he could read all my intentions on my face.

Jesse. The very thought of his name makes my chest ache with three years of hurt. I wonder what he's doing right now. The idea of him making out with Margot, or doing something more than that, makes me want to throw up. I can't bear to consider what next year will be like when we're in high school again. If I have to witness their PDA in the hallway every day, I might have to drop out. And move to a different state. Or rinse my eyeballs out with acid.

"It's cold by the water," James remarks. "I thought it would be more pleasant at dusk."

"Yeah," I say. I'm only half-listening to him. A few of my nerves have escaped from their box and crawled out of the chasm, so I'm doing my best to bat them back into the hole. "Do you want my jacket?"

"How chivalrous."

"Well, do you?"

He smiles thinly. "I saw Becca Fisher wearing your sweatshirt the other day."

"Yeah, I let her borrow it at Jasper's birthday party."

"Do you give away articles of clothing often?"

I feel like I'm being trapped into a confession, but I'm not exactly sure how to escape. "Only when I'm trying to violate the camp dress code."

His grin widens with approval. "I don't think I'll ever forget the expression on Karen's face when she saw your 'kill em' all' shirt. She looked like she wanted to slap you back to New York."

"At least I wouldn't have to pay for airfare."

"And you wouldn't have to worry about all those dangerous hot-pink suitcases."

"You're never gonna let me forget that, are you?"

"Never."

"If only I'd let you believe I really was Ralph Macchio."

"Yeah, you could definitely pass as an Italian karate champion."

The smile fades slowly from my face. This is the only time James has brought up race around me, and it reminds me of how badly the odds are stacked against us. I learned the hard way from Jesse that "land of the free" only applies to a select few, and I'm sure the sight of a black boy and a half Asian-American boy would send half the conservatives in this country into catatonic shock. We're an impossibility. A mistake, like Jesse put it. And, as much as I enjoy breaking society's dumb rules, I'm not sure how I feel about breaking this one. When James kissed that boy at his private school, he got expelled. When I kissed Jesse, it destroyed our friendship. I can't imagine what will happen if I kiss James again. All I know is this: the way I feel about him scares me shitless.