Chapter 20 - Rose

2.3K 58 50
                                    

I was frozen. 

I stared, unmoving, as my mind raced. This couldn't be happening. Hadn't I told him last night that we should take it slow? But I had followed that up by saying I loved him - a sentence that had apparently given him the confidence to do this.

I saw that my mum was standing not far behind Scorpius, smiling at me, but that somehow made it worse. I glanced over to where Dad remained sitting, and saw that he looked just as distraught as I felt. The room had grown quiet - it seemed that all eyes were now upon us.

I found myself gaping, quite unable to speak.

"Rose?" In Scorpius' voice, which had been so hopeful in the asking of the initial question, I now detected a hint of uncertainty. 

I felt rather separated from him, somehow, as if he was speaking to me from the edge of a swimming pool in which I was submerged. I was parelyzed - drowning. Then, all of a sudden, I snapped out of the daze and slowly shook my head.

"I'm sorry," I managed to whisper. Then I ran without looking back.

• • •

Not ten minutes later, I had taken refuge in the greenhouses to wallow in my despair when I heard the door open.

I didn't turn to look at him. I couldn't. I buried my head in my hands. "Scorpius, I can't-"

"It's only me, dearest."

I let out a relieved sigh and lifted my head to look at my mother. She sat down on my bench with a sigh. "Are you alright?"

I leaned into her, feeling very much like a young child again as she wrapped her arms around me. "I don't know… I just… I couldn't say yes."

"Why not?" 

"Because… well… he thinks I love him."

"And you don't?"

A tear slid down my cheek. "I just… we're too young, mum. I don't want to be the girl who gets married straight out of school; the girl who gets married because she's pregnant. I don't want to be tied down… I want to do something with my life. If I marry him, I'll feel trapped, and I'll regret it in a few years. I'll start to hate him…"

"Oh, darling, you're thinking too much."

"Would you rather I didn't think at all?" I said, a little peeved.

"Of course not, but there's danger in overthinking. You're right - there's a chance that things could go wrong. But there's no escaping that risk, Rose. It doesn't matter what you do, there's always a possibility that it may go badly. But you've got to remember that there's also a great chance of things going right… You could be happily married for the rest of your life and never regret a thing. Every choice we make comes with risks… but sometimes you've got to trust that they'll pay off."

I knew in my heart that she was right, but I also knew it didn't matter. If I married Scorpius, I would hate him, and I would hate myself. It was too much. "But - what if I can't do that? What if… what if I'm too afraid to trust?"

My mother's eyes were sad, but I knew she understood. "Then I suppose you must tell him so."

My heart broke at the thought of what I would have to do. I could already imagine the pain in Scorpius' eyes. Still, it had to be done. "I'm scared, Mum."

She kissed my forehead softly. "I know you are, dearest." 

"I don't want to hurt him." Tears swam in my eyes.

"Of course you don't. But if you can't love him… then I think the best thing you can do is let him go."

• • •

When I was done crying on my mother's shoulder, I headed back to Gryffindor Tower, as returning to the ball was unthinkable. I sent Mum back, however, with a message for Scorpius: he was to meet me in the astronomy tower a bit before midnight.

I spent the in between hours pacing my deserted dormitory, my head filled with anxious and sometimes frightening thoughts. I was too distracted to even bother changing my clothes - although I did let my hair down, and quickly made a mess of it with my worried hands. 

Finally, the clock read twenty minutes 'til twelve, and I allowed myself to set out for the tower. It seemed a very long walk, but in reality was less than ten minutes. Scorpius was not there when I arrived, which I thanked Merlin for. I needed a moment or two to collect myself before facing him. 

At precisely eleven fifty-six, I heard footsteps on the stairs. I turned away, leaning against the wall to look out over the grounds as I had done so many times before. And then he was beside me. 

"I'm sorry," he said.

"For proposing?"

"For scaring you."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not."

I sighed. "Don't apologise. Please. Have you anything else to say?"

Scorpius ran his fingers through his hair, then without warning drew me close. "Just one thing - that I love you. You, Rose Granger-Weasley, have bewitched me, body and soul. There is nothing I want more than for you to be mine forever. I went about the wrong way of pursuing that, and for such a mistake I could not be more sorry - but if you will forgive me my faults I shall do my best to amend them. I have a great deal to learn, and I very much want it to be you at my side as I do so. Now I will ask again, and if you say yes, I will be the happiest man alive, but if you say no, I will be content to wait until you're ready. Will you marry me?"

With each word he spoke, I felt as if a knife was being twisted into my heart. What he was saying was beautiful and intimate and came from the bottom of his heart - and it hurt me deeply because I knew what I had come here to do and I knew that no matter how much he cared for me, I was not going to say yes.

The blond boy leaned in to kiss me, but I turned my head to the side. "Scorpius..." I whispered, unable to find the right words.

He gently pulled my head back to its original position, and forced me to meet his eyes. I saw tears in them, mirroring those in my own. He was silently asking, begging me to say something, anything other than what I intended to say. But I simply stared, wondering how you go about breaking someone's heart in the least painful way.

I watched Scorpius deflate, and knew that he had seen in my eyes all I had wanted to say. "It's no use, is it?" he asked thickly. I shook my head sadly, and he nodded. "I think I knew it before I even came up here. Maybe even before the ball..." And then he was crying, sobbing really, and I held him for awhile because I didn't know what else to do.

After a few minutes, when he had quieted, I spoke. "This doesn't have to be goodbye, Scorpius. I just... I need time to sort out what I feel for you. Maybe later on..."

But Scorpius shook his head. "Don't. I'd rather you didn't give me hope."

"But-"

"Please."

He sounded so broken when he said that word. I realized he was right in asking me not to say there was still a possibility for us in the future - it would only hurt him all the more if I ended up deciding it was impossible.

I looked up at him, smiling sadly. "You have been quite the adventure, Scorpius Malfoy."

"And you have been the last dream of my soul," he says, tears rolling down his cheeks. "A dream... All a dream that ends in nothing." The last part he seemed to say mostly to himself.

I didn't know what else to say to him. What was there to say? I'm sorry? I wish it was different? Nothing fit, and in the end I didn't speak. I brushed his final tears away with my thumb, and kissed him on the cheek.

Then I walked away from Scorpius Malfoy for what could very well have been the last time.

~~~

A/N "You have been the last dream of my soul ... A dream, all a dream that ends in nothing..."
- Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

Never Be The Same {SCOROSE}Where stories live. Discover now